Cast: Peter Coonan, Dan Hyland, Stephen Jones, Anne Marie Martin, Kenneth Meehan, Mary O’Toole, Robbie Walsh, Albert Maher, Stephen Clinch, James J Akpotor, Michael Yare, John Paul Lawless, Barry Keoghan with Mick Foran and Damien Dempsey
Cast:Gary Oldman, Andrew Lee Potts, Jimi Mistry, Robert Carlyle, Elena Anaya, Karel Roden, Frances Barber, Kevin R McNally, Iddo Goldberg, Sebastian Knapp, Julie Healy, Trevor Cooper with Billy Zane and Terence Stamp
Writer: Thomas Geiger, Adam Kreutner, David Mitchell & Charley Stadler
This is one of those all-star British caper movies that the actors concerned act in and then probably pray will never surface for public consumption. The kind where Hollywood’s best sneak back home to London for a sly week with the family and get paid a small salary in a brown paperbag to pay for the DIY job that’s been lurking for a while. Like Circus, The Smoke, Revolver and countless other Guy Ritchie wanna-bes (yes, I know one of the three I mentioned is a Guy Ritchie film) Dead Fish is one of those wacky hitman / mistaken identity films that are supposedly made for young people by old people or young people who think everyone still likes this kind of thing. We don’t. Made in about 2005, this sat on the shelf until 2010 and then took nearly another decade for me to discover it – I wish I hadn’t. Since then, the budding leading man’s career (ANDREW LEE POTTS – THE MILL) has fizzled, co-star Jimi Mistry has given up acting to open an Indian Restaurant, Gary Oldman’s choices are still as erratic as ever and Terence Stamp has started doing cheapos like this again (see Crow or Of Gods and Warriors). Billy Zane is still weird and puts in an incomprehensibly bad performance as a fixer with a comedy posh acent. So whilst the film industry still thinks we like this kind of thing, the quality remains the same.
The labyrinth story pivots around a couple on the verge of breaking up who get their phones switched with a wacky hitman. And so ensues a whirlwind story concerning dead fish, giant parrots, soho strippers, mega spliffs, double-crosses and a distinct lack of fun. Maybe I’m too jaded but it’s hard to sit and watch intelligent, good actors stoop to these levels. Dead Fish should have stayed buried as it smells awful.
2 out of 10 – As fresh as out of date fish – why the hell was this made with such a good cast?
WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?
Gary Oldman: Hunter Killer, Darkest Hour, The Hitman’s Bodyguard, The Space Between Us, Criminal (2016), Man Down, Child 44, The Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes, Robocop (2014), Paranoia (2013), Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, The Dark Knight Rises, Lawless, Harry Potter 8 – The Deathly Hallows 2, Kung Fu Panda 2 (voice), Red Riding Hood (2011), The Book Of Eli, Planet 51 (voice), The Unborn, The Dark Knight, Harry Potter 4 – The Order of the Phoenix, Harry Potter 4 – The Goblet of Fire, Batman Begins, Harry Potter 3 – The Prisoner of Azkhaban, Hannibal, The Contender, Lost In Space, Airforce One, The Fifth Element, Basquiat, The Scarlet Letter (1995), Murder In The First, Immortal Beloved, Leon, Romeo Is Bleeding, True Romance, Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992), JFK, Henry & June, State Of Grace, Rosencrantz & Guilderstern Are Dead, Chattahoochee, We Think The World Of You, Criminal Law, Prick Up Your Ears, Sid & Nancy, Mean Time
Andrew Lee Potts: House of Salem, The Hatching, Lucky Man (TV), The Mill (TV), Primeval (TV), Ideal (TV), 1408, The Bunker
Robert Carlyle: War of the Worlds (TV), T2 – Trainspotting 2, The Legend of Barney Thompson, 24 (TV), The Tournament, Summer, 28 Weeks Later, Flood, Eragon, The Mighty Celt, Black & White (2002), Once Upon a Time In The Midlands, The 51st State, There’s Only One Jimmy Grimble, The Beach, Angela’s Ashes. James Bond – The World Is Not Enough, Ravenous, Plunkett & Macleane, Face, The Full Monty, Trainspotting, Go Now, Priest (1995), Riff-Raff, Silent Scream
Elena Anaya: Motherfatherson (TV), Wonder Woman, The Infiltrator, Swung, The Skin I Live In, Mesrine 2, Mesrine, Van Helsing, Talk To Her, Sex & Lucia
Frances Barber: Trick or Treat, The Escape, Blue Iguana, The Bookshop, Film Stars Don’t Die In Liverpool, Mr Holmes, Silk (TV), May I Kill U?, We’ll Take Manhattan, Doctor Who (TV), Goal 2, Goal, Suzie Gold, Shiner, Photographing Fairies, Soft Top Hard Shoulder, Secret Friends, Young Soul Rebels, We Think The World Of You, Sammy and Rosie Get Laid, Prick Up Your Ears, A Zed and Two Noughts, White City
Kevin McNally: Robert The Bruce, Pirates of the Caribbean 5 – Dead Men Tell No Tales, The Man Who Knew Infinity,Legend (2015), The Mill (TV), Downton Abbey (TV), The Raven, Pirates of the Caribbean 4 – On Stranger Tides, Valkyrie, Pirates of the Caribbean 3 – At World’s End, Pirates of the Caribbean 2 – Dead Man’s Chest, Scoop, The Phantom of the Opera (2004), De-Lovely, Pirates of the Caribbean and The Curse of the Black Pearl, Johnny English, High Heels and Low Lifes, When The Sky Falls, Dad (TV), Entrapment, The Legend of 1900, Sliding Doors, Spice World, Cry Freedom, Dr Who (TV), The Long Good Friday, Poldark (1977) (TV)
Billy Zane: Sniper 5 – Ultimate Kill, Swing State, Zoolander 2, White Island, Flutter, Mercenaries, Sniper 4 – Reloaded, Elecktrick Children, The Scorpion King 3, The Roommate, Silver City, Zoolander, The Believer, Titanic, This World The Fireworks The Next, Head Above Water, The Phantom, Demon Knight, Only You, Tombstone, Poetic Justice, Posse, Lake Consequence, Sniper, Orlando, Twin Peaks (TV), Memphis Belle, Megaville, Back The The Future 2, Dead Calm, Critters
Terence Stamp: Murder Mystery, Of Gods and Warriors, Crooked House, Crow, Bitter Harvest, Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children, Big Eyes, Song For Marion, The Adjustment Bureau, Valkyrie, Yes Man, Get Smart, Wanted, Seperate Lies, Elektra, Red Planet, Bowfinger, Star Wars- The Phantom Menace, The Limey, The Adventures Of Queen Priscilla Of The Desert, The Real McCoy, Alien Nation, Young Guns, Wvall Street, The Sicilian, The Company Of Wolves, Superman 2, Superman, Poor Cow, Modesty Blaise, Far From The Madding Crowd, The Collector, Billy Budd
Director: Andy de Emmony (Dave Allen at Peace / Lucky Man (TV) / Love Bite / West is West)
Cast: Ben Chaplin, Julian Rhind-Tutt, Michael Palin, Steve Oram, Ben Daniels, Josh O’Connor, Hugh Skinner, Jarrod Cooke with Emilia Fox and Patrick FitzSymons
Ben Chaplin:The Children Act, Snowden, The Legend of Tarzan, Cinderella (2015), Twixt, London Boulevard, Dorian Gray, Chromophobia, Birthday Girl, Murder By Numbers, The Truth About Cats and Dogs, The Thin Red Line, Washington Square, Lost Souls, Feast Of July, Game On (TV), The Remains Of The Day
Julian Rhind-Tutt: Dave Allen at Peace, Rizen 2, Chubby Funny, The Rizen, Burn Burn Burn, Bridget Jones 3, Aaaaaaaah!, Castles In The Sky, Banished (TV), A Touch of Cloth (TV), Lucy, Inside No.9 (TV), Rush (2013), Gambit (2012), Your Highness, Stardust, Green Wing (TV), To Kill a King, Miranda, Lara Croft -Tomb Raider, The Trench, Notting Hill
Michael Palin: Vanity Fair (2018)(TV), Death of Stalin, Absolutely Anything (voice), Remember Me (TV), The Klangers (narrator) (TV), Monty Python Live – Five Down One To Go, A Liar’s Autobiography (voice), Arthur Christmas (voice), Michael Palin’s Explores (TV), The Wipers Times, Fierce Creatures, The Wind In The Willows (1996), GBH (TV), American Friends, A Fish Called Wanda, Brazil, A Private Function, The Meaning Of Life, The Missionary, Time Bandits, Life Of Brian, The Rutles, Jabberwocky, Monty Python and The Holy Grail, Monty Python’s Flying Circus (TV)
Ben Daniels: The Exception, Star Wars – Rogue One, Luna, Locke (voice), House of Cards (TV), Jack The Giant Slayer, Law & Order UK (TV), Doom, Fanny and Elvis, Madeline, I Want You, Passion In The Desert, Beautiful Thing
Emilia Fox: Home from Home (TV), Mum’s List, The Carer, Silent Witness (TV), Trap For Cinderella, A Thousand Kisses Deep, Suspension of Disbelief, Merlin (TV), Dorian Gray, Flashbacks of a Fool, Cashback, Keeping Mum, Life and Death of Peter Sellers, The Pianist, Randall & Hopkirk Deceased (TV), Pride and Prejudice (TV)
Patrick FitzSymons: Vanity Fair (2018)(TV), Line of Duty (TV)
Cast: Peter Peralta, Paul Bibb, Amar Adatia, Alexandra B. Harris, Sabrina Chiemeka, Johnny Ong, Bruce Wang, with Christopher Jenner Cole and Jamie Bannerman
Beginner’s luck couldn’t find the address to this film set. This no-budget thriller is claustrophobic in the wrong way. Stranding its largely inexperienced cast in a room with a terrible script, bad choreography and a nonsensical story line, Four Hours is definitely one to bury. It continues to baffle me how some filmmakers at this level look at their finshed results and think that they are good enough for public consumption. Don’t these guys go to the cinema and think wow, if I really study, focus my skills I might be able to get a job on a film production and contribute to something professional and great? No, they go, “I’m going to ignore everything and go for mine without acting lessons, directing lessons, and go without learning how to make a decent film – technically. It looks well easy…” Well its not easy at all. It’s tough to get something up to a standard where it can be exhibited and be judged on merits beyond the technical. The short cut to this low-level stardom only leads to a cul-de-sac where ridicule for your efforts await. Robert Duvall once said, “When I knew nothing, I thought I could do anything…” This applies to these young filmmakers. Youthful impatience has led to a shoddy, unthrilling, thoroughly terrible crime flick which shines a spotlight on how not to make a film, and why you shouldn’t embark on a project without an ounce of talent. Enthusiasm and money only get you so far. And in this case not very far. Some of the cast are still producing really bad films six or seven years later. There are some improvements in the newer films but I can’t wait for the day when films like this lose their platform for public exposure. The death of DVDs will see to that.
Thank goodness the guy who played the lead baddie (PAUL BIBB) has gone back to his real day job – he is really, really bad. Check out his attempt to open a safe without the code. There are feint signs that the other three might be interested in developing their acting skills but the writing just ditches all attempts to impress in a shallow grave. It’s excruciatingly bad in every department. I’m not even going to waste the skin cells on my fingertips essaying the plot, I’ll leave that to the other reviewer Joe Pesci II if he’s ever gets to it.
0.5 out of 10 – Another dull amateur production which is ludicrously bad and very, very boring. There’s no flare, no intelligence, and it feels like its four hours long too. Films like this should be made for practice to hone skills and never released. An embarrassment.
Director Steve Lawson sure knows his way around the filmmaking toy box. His low-budget films are excellent examples of stretching your pennies to make a really good looking film. His cinematographer and special effects team are improving with every film – yes, we’ve been along for the ride since his days of The Silencer. And now, we have the vastly better, but still pretty awful sequel to The Haunting of Annie Dyer. Despite all his efforts behind the camera, Steve Lawson isn’t really an actors director or a scriptwriter. Admittedly the plot and script is way better than normal here, but Hellriser is still a bit of a clanger.
Imagine the claymation Wallace from Aardman’s Wallace & Gromit reimagined as an alcholic cop full of regret and hate for God, and you’ve got Steven Dolton’s (ROBERT 2) Det. Sgt Locke. Someone has been killing prostitutes on his patch for the last year? Well to speed his investigation along he’s teamed up with a rookie cop called Keys (CHARLIE BOND – VENDETTA) (get it? lock AND keys). They realise that the girls are being sacrificed by demonic incarnate Annie Dyer (RAVEN LEE – ESSEX HEIST) from the first film who is incarcerated at the local loony house by Dr Inseine! (ANDY COUGHLAN – FOOTSOLDIER). Annie is about to open the gates to hell with her latest and 10th kill. Keys, lock, gate! eeeeeek! Can they stop the diabolical Annie, who’s all laser beams from her eyes, naked boobs, lesbian sex and death! At least she’s not badly dubbed like in the first film – here she just sounds like Ray Winstone under water.
So the hapless cop duo investigate the case and eachother like a pair of duelling snails. I don’t think Charlie Bond’s character gets to leave Locke’s office or the police records room (which seems to be in an ancient cellar and is full of giant books on the occult!) The possessed nude servant of Annie Dyer that gets mind controlled into doing her evil killings in exchange for sex is hilariously gratuitous. Charlie Bond acquits herself well enough and matches Steven Dolton’s cop nicely, so neither of them are out classed. Elsewhere the asylum master Andy Coughlan has a hoot with a funny bad German accent. He’s just as bad as Jon-Paul Gates was at accents inThe Howling, but at least there’s a camp level of fun to be had with this bio-fart of colour, plush cinematography, bad acting, and crazy SFX. Lawson almost outdoes the toxic skull in Repo Man, when a character meets their doom by peeling their skin off… This is Lawson’s best film because it shows a quantum leap forward in quality from all of his previous films. He’s still got a long journey to go to reach the heights of other filmmakers but I’m glad Creativ Studios are on the climb at last. I just wish Lawson would let someone else do the writing and directing of the actors for him. Either that or he needs better actors to give his bat-shit stupid scripts a sparkle.
2 out of 10 – Hellriser is no Hellraiser. It’s not meant to be. This is a lightly entertaining in a very forgiving way as you’ll be laughing more than shreiking. It’s awful but maybe that’s the intention (just this once.).
Now a review from the demonic Matt ‘Sh*t Film Flusher’ Usher below!
I have a soft spot for Steve Lawson, in many ways one of Britain’s worst film-makers, but at least he seems to (a) know what films are, (b) seems to like cinema, (c) attempts to stretch very little (in terms of money, resources and available talent) a long(ish) way, and (d) has ambition (but see (c)). With each succeeding project he sets himself different challenges (generally unfulfilled but at least he keeps trying) and here he’s made a supernatural thriller about ritual sacrifice and the opening of the doors to Hell, stuffed to the gills with ropey special effects, dodgy accents, Nazis, naked lesbians, porn stars, naked Nazi lesbian porn stars, conspiracy theories, satire, dismembered body parts (which may best be described as ‘optimistically realised’) and a script to which subtlety, logic and consistency are unwanted strangers.
And yet…it’s quite fun. And I think partly that’s because Lawson acknowledges he’s attempting the impossible, and sends himself up, but not too much (apart from the dodgy accents, the comedy pathologist and the spoof-ish shot of the main characters looking ruefully into the middle distance which is straight out of Naked Gun). For example: the film is a follow-up to THE HAUNTING OF ANNIE DYER which is here (slightly inaccurately) summed up in a newspaper headline as ‘Horrific sex murder the work of “disturbed girl” and not BBC disc jockey as first thought.’ I can’t imagine many other film-makers at this end of the food-chain making fun of themselves like that. Unfortunately it does mean we’re reminded of ANNIE DYER, a film devoid of positive qualities, but HELLRISER is infinitely superior to its predecessor (yet still undeniably awful).
We join Inspector Locke (Lawson regular Steve Dolton reprising his world-weary ANNIE DYER role) as he has a quiet chat with a new-in-town prostitute. There’s trouble around: someone has murdered seven prostitutes and Locke is worried for her. And so he should be, as she’s nabbed and chloroformed seconds after he’s told her to be careful. Soon afterwards, she’s thumbscrewed and sawn to death in scenes which are both nasty and ludicrous. Locke goes to a crime scene where victim no. 8 has just been found (plastic body parts abound). The powers-that-be have finally worked out that he’s not got very far with the case so they’ve assigned one whole police officer to him (albeit one from the online fraud department): her name is Keyes. Locke and Keyes. How this hasn’t been picked up for a series by ITV I’ll never know.
Keyes is played with spirit by Charlie Bond who has finally worked out it’s OK to blink on screen. Together they bicker, discuss coffee and uncover new leads in a handful of scenes straight out of the mismatched coppers’ handbook. Sadly, Bond/Keyes is rarely allowed out of the police station, which, fortunately, has a spooky records section which has all of one bookcase, where she uncovers clues from a tome seemingly loaned/nicked from the set of Buffy the Vampire Hunter.
Meanwhile, Annie Dyer (Raven Lee – much better this time) is in a secret experimental psychiatric hospital where she and other women with alarmingly loose clothing are experimented on by a neo-Nazi scientist and his team of evil lesbian nurses. But is there another power at play? And what is the significance of the old grandfather clock?
Locke/Dolton interviews the Nazi brain doctor and deduces he’s probably up to no good. Keyes works out that if you draw loads of lines on a map you get some pretty shapes. While she’s doing geometry, Locke discovers Annie Dyer is madder and more naked than when he last saw her and is the conduit through which Armageddon will fill the world, or something.
There’s a subplot about Locke losing his faith after his daughter went to the dark side, which comes in handy in the final reel. Sadly, any theological implications don’t gain much purchase on the storyline, unlike Raven Lee’s breasts which take centre stage in the final part of the film. ANNIE DYER seemed to exist purely for the director to disrobe Ms Lee whilst not knowing what to do with her/them, other than stick her in the shower and film her washing her shoulders (not a euphemism). Here, Mr Lawson knows what he wants, and so Ms Lee writhes continually. Let me make this clear: there is absolutely no call in the story for nudity; things could’ve trundled along perfectly well (relatively speaking) if everyone had been asked to keep their vests on, but Lawson is clearly channelling his inner Ken Russell (a figure who should loom larger than he does in the low budget British film world), and so romping lesbian Nazi nurses and demonic avatars almost inevitably become the order of the day. Obviously, I disapprove.
The film reaches its climax with Locke fighting his inner demons, Keyes becoming a vital link, Annie and a lady chum having a naked writhe, and the gates of Hell opening and shutting (alas, unlike in ANNIE DYER there’s no guffawing furniture). And the credits roll with the words ‘You have been watching’, which reminded me of Hi-De-Hi! and Dad’s Army.
To say that HELLRISER may be Steve Lawson’s masterpiece is a risky thing to do, seeing as it’s pretty terrible in every respect (and they might use it in publicity even though it may seem I’m taking the mickey) (which in many ways I am). But, given the constraints of time, money and talent, and judging from Mr Lawson’s other films, HELLRISER is a significant advance, and might even bear some resemblance to what Lawson actually intended to put on screen. Whether a tale of demonic possession (albeit without demons), grisly murders, and endless pervy visuals is a good thing to put on screen is up to the viewer. Nevertheless, Mr Lawson has made a frequently dull, convoluted and nonsensical film which has its entertaining moments, recognises its limits, is played (mostly) straight and is comfortably in the so bad it’s good camp.
For a few minutes at the start of PROWL it looks like we’re in innovative, thoughtful, atmospheric, potentially game-changing and genuinely pretty scary film territory. The opening is (and, as it turns out, remains) ambiguous (rather than very obviously a flashback or – worse – a flash-forward): a young woman (Amber) runs in slow motion (to or from her fate we never know), against a moody backdrop of what looks like a particularly picturesque bit of Yorkshire. But then there are ghouls and gore and waking up and reality and domestic tedium and she’s working in a supermarket (meat counter) and which is worse: boredom or blood-spattered gory extinction? (Probably the latter, I’d say.)
And then she starts speaking and we find the film is set in America, which is fine. But then cracks appear: she’s fed up living in a small town (studiously unnamed) and wants to go to the big city (actually referred to as The Big City).
And then something happens which made me want to give up on the film altogether. She attends a pool party with friends and their boyfriends, a not-at-all motley crew comprising exactly the line-up you’d put in a slasher film (i.e. half a dozen or so actors in their late twenties pretending to be teenagers and comprising the obligatory geek, pervert, jock, slut, sensitive one and one they forgot to give any character to).
Thanks to a handy Deus ex machina, Amber gets the chance to move to the big city just hours after finding out her alcoholic mom adopted her (this revelation looks like it’ll open an intriguing can of worms, which it does to some extent but the script completely messes this up). So she suddenly has a road trip to go on, and she has a bunch of pals with nothing better to do than go on a road trip, and this is a horror film, and I just couldn’t believe how this rollercoasted so quickly downhill into generic slashland.
Our heroes set off in the car. But there’s a problem. The film-makers literally don’t know how to film inside a supposedly moving car. They attempt 1950s-style back projection, but that breaks down and in one shot all you can see outside the car is the green screen itself. The film-makers cannily solve the problem by having the car break down just as a lorry arrives on the scene (at this point our heroes are literally a hundred metres into their journey). It’s driven by (an admittedly unrecognisable) Bruce Payne, so we can reasonably be certain that it’ll all end in tears and fearsome dismemberment. After protracted negotiations with the driver they hop into the back of the truck which, conveniently for the director, has no windows. A good move for the film, disastrous of course for the kids. The truck driver warns them not to look at his cargo. And they don’t for a while, instead indulging in typical teenage shenanigans like getting drunk, taking drugs, having an orgy and looking at the cargo and finding that it’s blood.
At this point the film picks up again as it turns out that the driver is not all he seems (shock horror). Instead of taking Amber to her dream house in the big city the driver delivers the would-be Scooby team to an ex-abattoir of human doom, where, surprisingly rapidly, the cast are ripped up, slaughtered and generally whittled down in number. Halfway through the film, and we’re already down to only one fully functioning protagonist. Where could it possibly go next? Effectively alone, Amber seems cornered, but then the film makes its unexpected left-of-centre, completely unguessable twist plot development which changes everything. Except (and frankly I’m delighted to report this) I’d guessed what was going to happen some time earlier. It’s a pretty good conceit but the script works against it (it turns out for example that the whole thing is a coincidence rather than fate, which would surely have felt more appropriate). I won’t say what it is because if you like this sort of film then PROWL is probably worth a look. But the problem is that the story effectively ends with this twist and the film-makers don’t know what to do next. The remainder of the running time is just a matter of capture and escape and atmospheric padding, with a passing resemblance to bad episodes of True Blood, until the film clocks up 80 minutes and can take its leave. In a sense it feels like an over-extended TV pilot.
This is a British-Bulgarian co-production, but, for the most part, it succeeds in looking American enough (when they remember to put the backdrop in, that is). The actors are an international bunch and, given the brevity of most of their roles, they perform well enough. Amber is played by Courtney Hope, currently a regular on The Bold and the Beautiful, which seems a shame. Bruce Payne puts in a reliable performance as the seemingly affable driver. Saxon Trainor is the frankly improbable name of the chief villain, who is given so little to do you wonder why she turned up in the first place.
But PROWL has to be marked down as a disappointment overall. Despite some genuinely eerie moments (especially early on) it at times feels more like it wants to be a Troma-style send-up. The arrival of a major villain veers between deadly seriousness and high camp. The vampires (it’s a vampire film by the way) are of the scavenger variety, though as a concept they’re under-explored. And there’s no excuse for that as they become hugely important to the narrative. Or they would if the film had managed to keep the narrative from petering out. The ending becomes predictable and the film just ends up as a languishing shadow of what it might have been. I really wanted to like PROWL after its excellent start but it meanders around and doesn’t do anywhere near enough with its ideas. A huge missed opportunity.
4.5 out of 10 – Review by Matt Usher
WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTRESS IN BEFORE?
Courtney Hope: The Bold & The Beautiful (TV)
Josh Bowman: Level Up, So Undercover, Love’s Kitchen, 13HRs, Revenge (TV), Holby City (TV)
Ruta Gedmintas: A Street Cat Named Bob, The Incident (2016), The Borgias (TV), You Instead
Jamie Blackley: The Postcard Killings, The Halcyon (TV), Kids In Love, Irrational Man, If I Stay, We Are The Freaks, UWantme2killhim?, Vinyl
Perdita Weeks: Penny Dreadful (TV), As Above So Below, The Invisible Woman, Titanic (TV), The Tudors (TV), Stig of the Dump (TV), Spice World
Bruce Payne: The Rizen, The Antwerp Dolls, Breakdown (2016), Age of Kill, Getaway, Vendetta, Prowl, Dungeons & Dragons, Warlock 3, Necronomicon, Passenger 57, Pyrates, The Howling 4, The Fruit Machine, For Queen and Country, Billy The Kid and The Green Baize Vampire, Absolute Beginners, Oxford Blues
Cast: Jodie Whittaker, Dougray Scott, Emilia Fox, David Warner, Eloise Barnes, Charlotte Lucas, Julian Rivett, Stuart Martin, with Allan Corduner and Jonathan Slinger
Emilia Fox: Mum’s List, The Carer, Silent Witness (TV), Trap For Cinderella, Suspension of Disbelief, Merlin (TV), Dorian Gray, Flashbacks of a Fool, Cashback, Keeping Mum, Life and Death of Peter Sellers, The Pianist, Randall & Hopkirk Deceased (TV), Pride and Prejudice (TV)
David Warner: Mary Poppins Returns, Ripper Street (TV), Wallander (TV), Penny Dreadful, Black Death, Dr Who (TV), The League Of Gentlemen’s Apocalypse, Ladies In Lavender, Planet Of The Apes (2001), Scream 2, Titanic, Money Talks, The Leading Man, In The Mouth Of Madness, Star Trek 6 – The Undiscovered Country, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, Twin Peaks (TV), Star Trek 5 – The Final Frontier, Tron, The Omen (1976), Time Bandits, Little Malcolm, Straw Dogs (1971)
Charlotte Lucas: Broadchurch (TV), Bad Girls (TV), Eastenders (TV)
I do understand the obvious fact that this film wasn’t made with me in mind. It’s still no excuse for palming fans of JK Rowling off with this slapdash, Hallmark Channel, biopic of the world’s most famous children’s author. I’ve never read a Harry Potter book, but I’ve seen the lamentable films, and on that evidence I have to say I could live without JK Rowling’s contributions to the world. However, I did find her life story, about her rise to fame and her dedication to becoming an author a true inspiration. It’s a real-life fairy tale for anybody that has a bit of talent and can work hard enough to win a shot at fame. This film fails to convey much of the struggle or the enormity of her achievement. Magic Beyond Words is in fact a bog standard, ‘births, marriages and death’ sprint through the highlights. You’d probably get more of an insight from reading the short JK biog at the back of her novels than watching this.
Poppy Montgomery (WITHOUT A TRACE) certainly looks the part, as JK Rowling, and battles valiantly with a lazy script. There’s not a single scrap of meat on the plot bone, as it ferries her version of JK from one scenario to another. One single scene, showing JK’s childhood games dressed as a witch some woods portrays her as a fun loving and imaginative child. It’s down hill from there. Her first marriage to a Portuguese gent, Georges (ANTONIO CUPO – AMERICAN MARY) whose story arc goes from handsome dreamboat hunk to abusive dick in less than 5 minutes. There’s no room for development of any of the characters anywhere. During the Edinburgh phase, we’re treated to a very light version of I, Daniel Blake, where JK struggles to make sense of the labyrinth British benefits system. Luckily, she found time to write her books. This is depicted in a few short scenes with a knackered typewriter and a stack of notebooks – total running time equals exactly 20 seconds in the film – cue montages of flurrying fingers over a keyboard and empty coffee cups. Zzzzz, wake me when the cliches die.
Magic Beyond Words is an unofficial biopic. It’s existence has been ignored by the author herself and for good reason, it’s total shit.
1.5 out of 10 – Utterly lazy rush job adaptation made for undemanding children and idiots. Hardly the inspiring account of an genuinely interesting life most viewers would hope for. Tragic beyond turds. (ed. what are you, a six year old?)
WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?
Poppy Montgomery: Unforgettable (TV), Without a Trace (TV)
Emily Holmes: The Shack, The Man In The High Castle (TV), Diary of a Wimpy Kid 3, Nightwatching, Snakes on a Plane
Antonio Cupo: American Mary
Janet Kidder: Arrow (TV), Ginger Snaps 2, Bride of Chucky
RISE OF THE ZOMBIE HOOLIGAN FILMS 