Cast: Camille Rutherford, Sean Biggerstaff, Edward Hogg, Aneurin Barnard, Mehdi Dehbi, Bruno Todeschini, Roxane Duran, Gaia Weiss, Zoe Schellenberg, Penelope Leveque, Sylvain Levitte, Stephan Eicher, Clive Russell, Ian Hanmore with Joana Preiss and Tony Curran
Gaia Weiss: Judy, Vikings (TV), The Legend of Hercules
Clive Russell: Doc Martin (TV), Supervized, Curfew (TV), Outlaw King, Rellik (TV), The Limehouse Golem,The Hatton Garden Job, Ripper Street (TV), Game of Thrones (TV), Still, Thor 2 – The Dark World, Outpost 2, The Wicker Tree, Sherlock Holmes 2- Game of Shadows, Sherlock Holmes (2009), Coronation St (TV), The Wolfman (2009), Ladies In Lavender, Festival, Mr In-Between, The 13th Warrior, Oscar & Lucinda, Margaret’s Museum, The Hawk, Neverwhere (TV), Soft Top – Hard Shoulder
Ian Hanmore: Game of Thrones (TV), The Fades (TV)
Joana Preiss: Raw, Dans Paris, Paris je t’aime
Tony Curran: Deadwood – The Movie, SEAL Team (TV), Ray Donavan (TV), Calibre, Outlaw King, Eat Locals, Race, Awaiting, Marvellous, Thor 2 – The Dark World, In The Dark Half,The Veteran, The Adventures of Tintin (voice), X Men – First Class, Red Road, Underworld 2 – Evolution, The Good German, Ondine, The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Ultimate Force (TV), Blade 2, This Life (TV), Captives
Anna Friel: Marcella (TV), I.T, Good People,The Look of Love,London Boulevard, Limitless, Land Of The Lost, You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger, Goal II – Living the Dream, Goal, Me Without You, Mad Cows, Rogue Trader, Land Girls, Brookside (TV)
Andrew Buchan: Alex Rider (TV), The Crown (TV), All The Money In The World, Broadchurch (TV), Still Life, Cranford (TV), The Fixer (TV)
Romola Garai: Suffragette, Last Days On Mars,Junkhearts,One Day, Glorious 39, Atonement, As You Like It (2006), Match Point, Dirty Dancing 2 – Havana Nights, Inside I’m Dancing, Nicholas Nickleby (2002), I Capture The Castle
Cast: Debbie Rochon, Dani Thompson, Suzi Lorraine, Stuart Brennan, Brad Glen, Jess Impiazzi, Ashleigh Lawrence, Paul Chaplin, Jessica Ann-Brownlie, Suzy Deakin, Brandy Brewer, Adam A Park, Christopher Rithin with Lucinda Rhodes and Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a dafter slasher flick than Serial Kaller. The cast list reads like a Boys Mag fan’s answer to The Expendables. It’s as if the makers just expected the viewers to be so entranced by the boobies, legs, and bums on offer that they wouldn’t notice that the thriller and horror element is really badly ‘executed’ . The gore effects and the music is so cheap and awful and badly put together it’s as if they went in defeated before the script was finished. The girls put in game performances but as there are no stunt-women on hand to do any of the ‘action’ said action scenes are laughably bad and slow of pace. Characters getting murdered, gurn, gurgle and cross their eyes to comedy effect and fall over slowly to make sure the landing doesn’t hurt.
The plot so to speak tells the story of a vengeful little boy who grows up with a hate of call girls, so one night goes to a studio and kills everybody inside. This proceeds over the last hour. Nobody seems to notice about 10 girls go missing (because they are being murdered) until the ending when the cast is whittled down to 3. Stuart Brennan (PLAN Z) turns up as the owner of the company and is the closest we get to a real actor. Poor us. His character is the chief suspect throughout (according to the makers) but you won’t be in any doubt as to who it really is when you see the mystery killer going about their business.
For those looking for titilation, you’ll have to imagine it. I think there’s the start of a sex scene, where the girl can’t tell the difference in taste between blood and semen. OK, maybe I should delete this last bit because this is an assumption… haha. You also don’t get to see any bare boobs. Sorry guys. So yes, Serial Kaller even fails to deliver as a soft-porn exploitation flick. Instead it’s a dead slow, poorly made, unfunny, unscary, unentertaining gore porn bore. Oh yeah it’s got Aisleyne from Big Brother 1935 in it too! Wow oh wow.
1.5 out of 10 – Sadly, if this is a tribute to 80s video nasties, you’ll still be disappointed as it is instead an unsexy horror flick with no sex, no thrill, and too much lame kill.
Read on for Matt Slasher Usher’s hilarious review down below in the pubic depths…
WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?
Dani Thompson: Rock Band vs Vampires, Nightmare on 34th Street, Carnivore, Essex Vendetta
Film director, animator, artist, author and famous Neil Gaiman collaborator, Dave McKean needs to delegate when it comes to making films. Luna is the result of an amazing visual mind working at full tilt, much like a more anchored brother to Terry Gilliam, yet it stutters and stumbles because of a clunky script – he should have employed a dialogue writer because he has a ‘tin ear’ for how people speak. The talented actors falter at times too and fall on rocky ground. Where some visuals, or a look would have sufficed we are treated to unlikely monologues. All the same, it’s a treat to see another Dave McKean film, because as awkward as he is, he still dazzles on a small budget.
Old friends gather at the house of Dean (MICHAEL MALONEY – TRULY MADLY DEEPLY), a McKean-like author whose in a happy marriage with his much younger second wife, Freya (STEPHANIE LEONIDAS – AMERICAN GOTHIC). Visiting couple, Grant (BEN DANIELS – BEAUTIFUL THING) and Christine’s (DERVLA KIRWAN – BALLYKISSANGEL) baby son< Jacob has died and this is their first trip to see Dean since it happened. Old wounds open and instead of bringing comfort all the couples do is fight. Christine and Grant suffer from bold hallucinations of their son at varying ages including very old age. The visit may bring salvation or damnation.
Out of the four lead actors Stephanie Leonidas seems the most at ease, but then her character has the least to do. Her ‘no self-censorship’ rule when it comes to discussions only seems to apply to the men, as she bonds with Dervla Kirwan’s Christine, who needs to be muted and sad. The anger and action is left to Daniels and Maloney. The fantasy elements struggle to blend in with the very realistic storyline. And that’s the point, its about the collision of the real and the not real. And this will divide the audiences because there’s enough to satisfy fans of both in their films. The animation and special effects are even better than the ones we saw in his film debut Mirrormask (I haven’t seen The Gospel of Us yet) and they bewitch and help weave a mood. When applied to the story however it stutters. These scenes only seem to be here because that’s what Dave McKean does. It’s an auteur laying his style on thickly. And if you like you stylings thick then you’ll be happy. You have to seek this film out and the directors involvement will be the reason most people’s reason to see it. So is it a good Dave McKean film? The answer is a resounding yes. Is it a good film? Well, it’s OK. It’s a very mixed bag. I’ll take the visuals but leave the script behind for some more editing.
5 out of 10 – Visually dynamic, but a clunky script and unsure story make it a lumpy proposition.
Ben Daniels: Star Wars – Rogue One, Locke (voice), House of Cards (TV), Jack The Giant Slayer, Law & Order UK (TV), Doom, Fanny and Elvis, Madeline, I Want You, Passion In The Desert, Beautiful Thing
Maurice Roeves:Detective Harrigan, Brighton Rock (2011), The Damned Utd, Hallam Foe, The Dark, Beautiful Creatures, The Acid House, Judge Dredd (1995), The Last Of The Mohicans (1992), The Big Man, Hidden Agenda
Director: Paolo Sorrentino (The Great Beauty / This Must Be The Place / Il Divo / The Family Friend / Consequences of Love)
Cast: Michael Caine, Harvey Keitel, Rachel Weisz, Paul Dano, Alexander McQueen, Ed Stoppard, Robert Seethaler, Roly Serrano, Chloe Pirrie, Tom Lipinski, Mark Gessner, Alex Beckett, Nate Dern, Luna Zimic Mijovic, Madalina Diana Chenea, Sumi Jo with Paloma Faith and Jane Fonda
Michael Caine: King of Thieves, Sherlock Gnomes (voice), My Generation (doc), Going In Style, Now You See Me 2, The Last Witch Hunter, Kingsman – The Secret Service, Stonehearst Asylum, Interstellar, Mr Morgan’s Last Love, Now You See Me, The Dark Knight Rises, Cars 2 (voice), Gnomeo & Juliet (voice), Inception, Harry Brown, Is Anybody There?, The Dark Knight, Sleuth (2007), The Prestige, Children of Men, The Weather Man, Bewitched, Batman Begins, Secondhand Lions, The Actors, The Quiet American, Austin Powers 3, Last Orders, Miss Congeniality, Get Carter (2000), Cider House Rules, Shiner, Quills, Little Voice, Blood and Wine, On Deadly Ground, The Muppets Christmas Carol, Blue Ice, Noises Off, Bullseye, Mr Destiny, A Shock To The System, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Without a Clue, Jaws 4, The Fourth Protocol, Half Moon Street, Mona Lisa, Hannah and Her Sisters, Educating Rita, Beyond The Poseidon Adventure, Ashanti, The California Suite, The Swarm, The Eagle Has Landed, The Man Who Would Be King, Sleuth (1972), Get Carter (1971), Battle of Britain, The Italian Job (1969), Alfie (1966), Gambit (1966), The Ipcress Files, Zulu
Harvey Keitel: The Irishman, Isle of Dogs (2018) (voice), Lies We Tell, The Ridiculous 6, By The Gun, Rio I Love You, The Grand Budapest Hotel, The Congress, Moonrise Kingdom, Meet The Parents 3 – Little Fockers, National Treasure 2, Be Cool, National Treasure, Red Dragon, Little Nicky, U-571, Holy Smoke, Fairytale – A True Story, Copland, City of Industry, Head Above Water, From Dusk Till Dawn, Ulysses’ Gaze, Blue In The Face, Smoke, Imaginary Crimes, Somebody To Love, Pulp Fiction, Monkey Trouble, The Young Americans, Dangerous Game, Rising Sun, The Piano, The Assassin (1993), Bad Lieutenant, Sister Act, Reservoir Dogs, Bugsy, Thelma & Louise, Mortal Thoughts, The Two Jakes, The January Man, The Last Temptation of Christ, The Pick Up Artist, Wise Guys, Saturn 3, The Duellists, Mother Jugs & Speed, Taxi Driver, Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore, Mean Streets
Rachel Weisz: The Favourite, Disobedience, The Mercy,My Cousin Rachel, Denial, The Light Between The Oceans, The Lobster, Oz The Great and Powerful, 360, The Bourne Legacy, Dream House, The Deep Blue Sea (2011), The Lovely Bones, The Brothers Bloom, My Blueberry Nights, Eragon (voice), The Fountain, The Constant Gardner, Constantine, Runaway Jury, the Shape Of Things, About a Boy, The Mummy 1 & 2, Enemy At The Gates, Beautiful Creatures, I Want You, Land Girls, Bent, Chain Reaction, Stealing Beauty, Death Machine
Paul Dano: Okja, Swiss Army Man, War & Peace (TV), Love & Mercy, 12 Years a Slave, Prisoners (2013), Looper, Ruby Sparks, Cowboys & Aliens, Meek’s Cutoff, Knight & Day, Where The Wild Things Are (voice), Taking Woodstock, There Will Be Blood, Fast Food Nation, Little Miss Sunshine, The King, The Ballad of Jack & Rose, Taking Lives, LIE
Ed Stoppard: Genesis, The Frankenstein Chronicles (TV), Cryptic, Blackwood, Cilla (TV), Papadopoulos and Sons, Upstairs Downstairs (TV), Nanny McPhee 2, Joy Division, Bridehead Revisited (2008), The Pianist, The Little Vampire
Chloe Pirrie: The Crown (TV), War & Peace (TV), Burn Burn Burn, Blood Cells, Shell
Tom Lipinski: Suits (TV), Labor Day
Paloma Faith: St Trinians
Jane Fonda: Book Club, This Is Where I Leave You, The Butler, Monster-In-Law, Stanley & Iris, Old Gringo, On Golden Pond, Nine To Five, The Electric Horseman, The China Syndrome, California Suite, Klute, The Shoot Horses, Barefoot in The Park, Barbarella
Cast: Victoria Hopkins, Anna Scott, Lucas Hansen, Melissa Advani, Angela Zahra, Louis Murrall, Edd Muruako, Kristian James, Patrick Wilde, Judith Alexander, Holly Newton, Jody Baldwin, Stewart Blackburn and Bill Fellows
Writer: Richard Johnstone
Trailer: No Trailer Available
Oh dear. Vampires meet Big Brother. Several couples go on a medical trail at a remote old castle. Little do they know that their hosts are really blood harvesting fang-faced killers.
This film boasts not one but two heroines. One is tough and smelly looking (VICTORIA HOPKINS – ZOMBIE WOMEN OF SATAN) and one (ANNA SCOTT) is a dumb middle-class blonde who doesn’t understand anything that’s going on around her. They are the only two characters that make any impression out of the procession of boring wallys that fill out the large cast. There’s a child vampire (HOLLY NEWTON) who impresses in a quite way, in that everybody else looks like they’re too cold to deliver they’re lines comfortably.
The plot shambles from one poorly set-up, nonsensical scenario to the next. The characters are set against one-another by their carers / vampires in disguise to test the stress related drugs in the trial. Alarms are tripped, doors are banged upon, and a dog is set loose making some of the number disappear.
Most of the script is terrible. It’s so bad that even a professional actor would struggle to find a way to deliver the lines in anyway sensibly. As the vampires finally show up and the cast dwindles, the pace seems to pick up, but it’s all an illusion as the film was stood still, this material is slow. The make up and gore is pretty good but none of the SFX made up for a badly editing, underlit scenes and terrible acting. Crucially, it’s unscary and vampire followers will do well to give this one a swerve. It’s shows no sign of improvement as it goes through some ‘obvious’ motions. It even squanders it’s wonderful castle location. Fangs for nothing guys.
2 out of 10 – Deadly boring and amateur. The cast deserved to be bitten in the collective neck, forever… vor hor horrrrr.
Cast: Jack McMullen, Reece Dinsdale, Jamie Shelton, Oliver Lee, Rosie Goddard, Richard Crehan, Kerron Darby, Reece Douglas, Natalie Gavin with Andrew Ellis and Charles Mneme
Writer: Anthony McGowan / Kit Monkman & Marcus Romer
Andrew Ellis: Invasion of the Not Quite Dead, Dough, This Is England ’90 (TV), Borrowed Time, This Is England 88 (TV), Demons Never Die, This Is England 86 (TV), This Is England
Director: Jonathan Newman (Angel House / Swinging With The Finkels / Being Considered)
Cast: Aneurin Barnard, Michael Sheen, Sam Neill, Lena Headey, Mella Carron, Xavier Atkins, Tristan Gemmill, Sule Rimi, Brian Nickels, Vincenzo Pellegrino, Rory Mullen, Ian Reddington, Will Payne with Keeley Hawes and Ioan Gruffudd
It would be wrong to blame JK Rowling. After all, all she did was write a book. And so did GP Taylor (who also uses his initials instead of forenames). And it may well be (in fact I’m certain) that Mr Taylor’s book has very little relation to the film which bears the same subtitle. But had Harry Potter not drawn fictional breath then we would have been saved from this astoundingly anodyne ersatz adventure which has all the momentum of a mummified mammoth and the personality of a minor member of the government (specifically Jeremy Hunt).
Our (male) hero goes by the interesting name of Mariah Mundi (interesting enough to be part of the title of the book though perhaps too confusing for the film-makers to keep it in their title, hence the ridiculously generic non-title THE ADVENTURER). He and his little brother are the offspring of a couple of Indiana Jones type parents. That should be enough to make them the envy of all their peers, but children rarely value their parents’ endeavours and so it is here, and they barely seem to notice that their parents gad about Africa looking for fabled artefacts and treasure. However, some baddies have noticed this and kidnap the family and only Mariah can save the day. Which he does. (That’s not a spoiler – the book’s part of a series, he’s not going to fail and die first time out is he?)
We’re in a sort of Disneyfied slightly steampunk Victorian world of explorers, magic objects, secret societies, creepy hotels, child labour, infernal machines, dastardly villains and derring-do. This should be brilliant, a Gilliam-ised Sherlock Holmes meets Tintin. But as Mariah Mundi chugs half-heartedly along, it soon becomes apparent that something hugely important is missing. Charm. Magic. Wonder. Beauty. Intelligence. Wit. Excitement. Aventure. Actually there are a lot of things missing. The story, which is a pretty standard ‘will our hero find the hidden treasure before the bad guy?’ plot, is presented so drably and with so little invention that you should be cheering the bad guy. But even the bad guy disappoints.
Former Doctor Who (who am I kidding? – he will be Doctor Who forever) Tom Baker once described Sam Neill as the most boring actor on the planet. Having watched his tedium-inducing turn as the bad guy here it’s difficult to disagree. He’s supposedly a Victorian moustache-twirling olde-worlde villain, the stuff of melodrama, the preserve of a barnstorming ham at his ripest. Mr Neill performs (if that’s the right word) with so little relish, with so little panache, with so little glee that I was crying out for one of those great personality actors –Robert Newton, Tod Slaughter, Tom Baker indeed, anyone, to inject some sort of life into proceedings – even Jeremy Irons would have been more animated.
Alas Neill’s disdain infects most of the rest of the cast, many of whom seem out of sorts, which is odd because this is the sort of milieu which should bring the best out of performers like Ioan Gruffudd (admittedly on screen very briefly) and Lena Headey (all at sea despite having the supposedly easy and fun role of vampy villainess).
In the lead role we find Aneurin Barnard in doe-eyed Hobbit mode, rarely registering emotion (to be fair he is playing a stiff-upper-lipped nineteenth century male teenager after all), and with nothing to do other than get out of scrapes with the absolute minimum of fuss. The level of tension is laughably minimal. Almost every scene introduces our hero to a predicament which he then solves with so little difficulty that you wonder why they bothered. It’s all ‘we need to find the secret passage’ ‘here it is!’, and ‘we need to find the key’ ‘found it!’, and ‘look, bad guys over there’, ‘we’ll hide here!’ for 95 minutes. Even when he does get caught (which is frequently), the threat seems quite moderate, and his rescue is assured. Mostly by Michael Sheen. Yes, whenever Barnard’s curiously named protagonist finds himself in a bit too much of a pickle a Deus ex machine in the shape of Michael Sheen appears to whisk him away. Sheen’s character is probably meant to be some sort of prototype James Bond, a seemingly indestructible secret agent with a zest for high adventure. But Sheen’s performance reminded me more of the White Rabbit Alice used to run into. There should surely be some swagger – it cries out for a (very) young Peter O’Toole, someone who can heroically light up the screen with but a twinkle in the eye. Unfortunately whenever Sheen turns up it’s like encountering your dull line manager in the pub. No wonder Barnard looks bored.
About the turn of the century Channel 4 used to show mini-series like Merlin and 1001 Nights: competent, undemanding bank holiday afternoon time-wasters which didn’t look as expensive as they should have done and were stuffed with decent actors larking about (mind you now I think of it Sam Neill played Merlin didn’t he?). This is firmly in that tradition, with the important exception that even the basic story is poor. Surely the novel wasn’t as tedious as this? But it’s the lack of magic (and narrative interest) which sinks it. Magic: both in the sense of on-screen sorcery (despite a deeply unconvincing magician who utterly fails to disguise his true identity) and in the sense of it being a wondrous film to watch. The production design is quite nice at times but that’s hardly a ringing endorsement, and everything looks sterile, like a movie set in fact.
1 out of 10 – I hope the author of the book was appalled by what they did with his story. Having not read (or even heard of) it I cannot comment on how good the book was (maybe it was terrible – maybe the film accurately reflects this), but I really hope that it’s a terrific book which has been sullied and filleted of everything that was originally good about it by this devastatingly sub-average film.
Michael Sheen: The Voyage of Doctor Doolittle, Good Omens (TV), Apostle, Slaughterhouse Rulez, Brad’s Status, Passengers (2017), Nocturnal Animals, Alice In Wonderland 2 – Alice Through The Looking Glass (voice), Kill The Messenger, Masters Of Sex (TV), Far From The Madding Crowd (2015), Twilight 4 – Breaking Dawn 2, The Gospel Of Us – The Passion of Port Talbot, Twilight 3 – Breaking Dawn 1, Midnight In Paris, Resistance, Tron 2 – Legacy, Alice In Wonderland (voice), New Moon, The Damned United, Underworld 3 – Rise of the Lycans, Blood Diamond, The Queen, Underworld 2 – Evolution, The League Of Gentlemen – Apocalypse, Kingdom Of Heaven, Laws Of AttractioKit n, Timeline, Underworld, Bright Young Things, The Four Feathers (2002), Heartlands, Wilde, Mary Reilly, Othello (1995)
Sam Neill: Peter Rabbit, The Commuter, Sweet Country, Thor 3 – Ragnarok, Tommy’s Honour, Hunt For The Wilderpeople, The Daughter, Backtrack, Peaky Blinders (TV), A Long Way Down, Escape Plan, The Vow, The Hunter, Legend of the Guardians – The Owls of Ga Ho’ole (voice), Daybreakers, In Her Skin, Dean Spanley, Little FIsh, Wimbledon, Yes, Dirty Deeds, Jurassic Park 3, The Dish, Bicentennial Man, The Horse Whisperer, Event Horizon, Snow White (1997), Victory (1996), Children of the Revolution, Restoration, The Jungle Book (1994), In The Mouth of Madness, A Country Life, Sirens, The Piano, Jurassic Park, Memoirs of an Invisible Man, Until The End of the World, Death In Brunswick, The Hunt for Red October, Dead Calm, A Cry In The Dark, Plenty, Reilly – Ace of Spies (TV), Attack Force Z, The Omen 3, My Brilliant Career, Sleeping Dogs, Landfall
Lena Headey: The Dark Crystal (voice)(TV), The Flood (2019), Game Of Thrones (TV), Fighting with My Family, Walk Like a Panther, Pride & Prejudice & Zombies, The Adventurer – Curse of the Midas Box, 300 2 – Rise of an Empire, The Mortal Instruments, The Purge, Dredd, The Broken (2009), The Brothers Grimm, Imagine Me & You, St. Trinians, 300, The Cave, Ripley’s Game, The Parole Officer, Gossip, Onegin, If Only, Mrs Dalloway, Face, The Grotesque, The Jungle Book (1994), Century, The Remains Of The Day, Waterland
Tristan Gemmill: Coronation Street (TV), Flying Blind, Casualty (TV), London’s Burning (TV), The Bill (TV)
Vincenzo Pellegrino: The Story of Tracy Breaker (TV), Where The Heart Is (TV), Casualty (TV), Holby City (TV)
Ian Reddington:Fanged Up, Coronation Street (TV), Eastenders (TV), Dr Who (TV), Highlander
Will Payne: Humans (TV), Fright Night 2, Mr Selfridge (TV), Elfie Hopkins
Keeley Hawes: Rebecca, The Durrells in Corfu (TV), Bodyguard (TV), The Missing (TV), Line of Duty (TV), High-Rise, The Casual Vacancy (TV), Upstairs Downstairs (TV), Flashbacks of a Fool, The Bank Job, Death At a Funeral (2007), A Cock and Bull Story, Spooks (TV), Tipping The Velvet (TV), The Avengers (1998), Karaoke / Cold Lazarus (TV)
Ioan Gruffudd: Liar (TV), Professor Marston and the Wonder Women, Keep Watching, San Andreas, Glee (TV), Horrible Bosses, Sanctum, The Kid (2010), W., The Secret of Moonacre, Fireflies In The Garden, Fantastic 4 – Rise of the Silver Surfer, Amazing Grace, Fantastic Four (2005), King Arthur (2004), Hornblower (TV), The Forsyte Saga (TV), Shooters, Black Hawk Down, Very Annie Mary, Another Life, 102 Dalmatians, Solomon & Gaenor, Titanic (1997), Wilde
RISE OF THE ZOMBIE HOOLIGAN FILMS 