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CARNAGE – SWALLOWING THE PAST

by Mark'd Commode

4 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 19th March 2017 (streaming)

Director: Simon Amstell (Benjamin)

Cast: Lindsay Duncan, Linda Bassett, John Macmillan, Claire Keelan, Mawaan Rizwan, Alex Lawther, Matthew Beard, James Smith, Samantha Spiro, Gemma Jones, Lorraine Kelly, Vanessa Feltz, and Eileen Atkins with Joanna Lumley (voice), Simon Amstell (narrator) and Martin Freeman

Writer: Simon Amstell

Trailer: CARNAGE – SWALLOWING THE PAST

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Lindsay Duncan: Little Joe, Gifted (2017), Sherlock (TV), Alice In Wonderland 2 – Through the Looking Glass, Birdman, The Last Passenger, Le Week-End, About Time, Alice In Wonderland (2010), Starter For 10, Rome (TV), Under The Tuscan Sun, Mansfield Park (1999), An Ideal Husband, A Midsummer Night’s Dream (1996), A Year In Provence (TV), GBH (TV), The Reflecting Skin, Prick Up Your Ears, Kit Curran (TV)
  • Linda Bassett: Call The Midwife (TV),  Effie Gray, Lark Rise to Candleford (TV), Grandma’s House (TV), West Is West, Cass, The Reader, Kinky Boots, Separate Lies, Calendar Girls, The Hours, The Martins, Beautiful People, East Is East, Oscar & Lucinda, Alive & Kicking (1995), Let Him Have It
  • John Macmillan: Dial M for Middlesborough, Famalam (TV), Silk (TV)
  • Claire Keelan: The Trip To Greece (TV), Cold Feet (TV), The Trip To Spain (TV), The Trip To Italy (TV), Mister John, Kelly + Victor, The Trip (TV), Hush, Nathan Barley (TV)
  • Mawaan Rizwan: Darkest Dawn
  • Alex Lawther: Old Boys, Howard’s End (TV), Ghost Stories, Goodbye Christtopher Robin, Departure, X+Y, The Imitation Game
  • Matthew Beard: Avenue 5 (TV), Dracula (2020)(TV), The Party’s Just Begun, Johnny English 3 – Strikes Again, The Imitation Game, The Riot Club, The Look of Love, One Day, Chatroom, An Education
  • James Smith: The Favourite, In The Thick of It (TV), Grandma’s House (TV), In The Loop, Magicians
  • Samantha Spiro: Sex Education (TV), Horrible Histories – Rotten Romans, Tracy Ullman’s Show (TV), Me Before You, Psychobitches (TV), Bad Education (TV), Grandma’s House (TV), Cold Feet (TV), From Hell, Guru in Seven, Beyond Bedlam
  • Gemma Jones: Rocketman, Patrick, God’s Own Country, Bridget Jones 3 – Bridget Jones’ Baby, Radiator, Last Tango In Halifax (TV), Marvellous, Merlin (TV), Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows 2, Hysteria, Forget Me Not, You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, Bridget Jones 2, Shanghai Knights, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Bridget Jones, Captain Jack, The Winslow Boy, The Theory of Flight, Wilde, Sense and Sensibility, Feast of July, On The Black Hill, Paperhouse, The Devilsand Sensibility, Feast of July, On The Black Hill, Paperhouse, The Devils
  • Eileen Atkins: Doc Martin (TV), Paddington 2, The Crown (TV), ChickLit, Suite Francaise, Magic In The Moonlight, Beautiful Creatures, Wild Target (2010), Psychoville (TV), Robin Hood (2010), Last Chance Harvey, Scenes Of a Sexual Nature, Cold Mountain, The Hours, Gosford Park, The Avengers (1998), Wolf, Jack and Sarah, Let Him Have It, Equus
  • Joanna Lumley: Paddington 2, Finding Your Feet, Absolutely Fabulous – The Movie, Me Before You, Absolutely Anything, She’s Funny That Way, The Wolf of Wall Street, Absolutely Fabulous (TV), Animals United (voice), Corpse Bride (voice), Ella Enchanted, The Cat’s Meow, Maybe Baby, Mad Cows, Parting Shots, Prince Valiant, James and The Giant Peach, Innocent Lies, Cluedo (TV), Lovejoy (TV), Shirley Valentine, The Kenny Everett Show (TV), Curse of the Pink Panther, Trail of the Pink Panther, Sapphire and Steel (TV), The New Avengers (TV), The Satanic Rites of Dracula, Coronation Street (TV), Lady Chatterly vs Fanny Hill, The Devil’s Widow, James Bond – On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
  • Simon Amstell: Benjamin (dir), Grandma’s House (TV), Black Pond, Never Mind The Buzzcocks (TV), Popworld (TV)
  • Martin Freeman: The Operative, Cargo, Black Panther, Ghost Stories, Captain America 3 – Civil War, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, The Hobbit – Battle of the Five Armies, Fargo (TV), Svengali, The Hobbit – The Desolation of Smaug, Sherlock (TV), The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists (voice), Saving Santa (voice), The World’s End, The Hobbit – An Unexpected Journey, Wild Target (2010), Nativity!, The Good Night, The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy (2006), Breaking and Entering, Hot Fuzz, Love Actually, Swinging With The Finkels,  Nativity, Nightwatching, Confetti, The Low Down, Ali G In Da House, The Office (TV)

THE COURIER

by Mark'd Commode

3 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 20 December 2019

Director: Zackary Adler (Rise of the Footsoldier 3 – The Pat Tate Story / Fall of the Krays / Rise of the Krays)

Cast: Olga Kurylenko, Amit Shah, William Moseley, Calli Taylor, Alicia Agneson, Craig Conway, Greg Orvis, Lee Charles, Gordon Alexander with Dermot Mulroney and Gary Oldman

Writer: Zackary Adler, James Edward Barker, Andy Conway and Nicky Tate

Trailer: THE COURIER

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Olga Kurylenko: The Man Who Killed Don Quixote, Johnny English 3 – Strikes Again, Gun Shy, Death of Stalin, Momentum, The Water Diviner, The November Man, Vampire Academy, Oblivion, Seven Psychopaths, To The Wonder, Centurion, James Bond – Quantum Of Solace, Max Payne, Hitman, Paris Je T’Aime
  • Amit Shah: Last Christmas, Ordinary Love, Final Score, Johnny English 3 – Strikes Back, Breathe, Howl (2015), The Hundred Foot Journey, Lilyhammer (TV), The Facility, All Stars, The Infidel
  • William Moseley: The Royals (TV), Friend Request, The Chronicles of Narnia 3 – The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, The Chronicles of Narnia 2 – Prince Caspian, The Chronicles of Narnia – The Lion The Witch & The Wardrobe
  • Craig Conway: Final Score, Broken (2017), Estranged, Blood Shot, Scintilla, Detective Harrigan, Airborne, 7Lives, Four, Devil’s Playground, How To Stop Being a Loser, The Tournament, Doomsday
  • Greg Orvis: Gloves Off, Vikings (TV)
  • Lee Charles: Vengeance 2 – Retaliation, Transit 17, Avengement, The Marine 6 – Close Quarters, Dragon Kingdom – Order of Kings 2, Final Score, Accident Man, I Am Soldier
  • Gordon Alexander: Final Score, The Anomaly, Don’t Let Me In, The Grind, Sucker Punch (2008), Underground (2008), Baseline, The Purifiers
  • Dermot Mulroney: The Purge (TV), Four Weddings and a Funeral (TV), Arrested Development (TV), Hanna (TV), Shameless (US)(TV), American Horror Story (TV), The Mountain Between Us, Sleepless, Dirty Grandpa, Truth (2015), Insidious – Chapter 3, August – Osage County, Jobs, Stoker, A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swann III, Big Miracle, The Grey, J. Edgar, Zodiac, The Family Stone, Must Love Dogs, The Wedding Date, Undertow, Friends (TV), About Schmidt, The Safety of Objects, Lovely & Amazing, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Box of Moonlight, Kansas City, Copycat, How To Make An American Quilt, Living In Oblivion, Angel’s In The Outfield, Bad Girls, The Thing Called Love, Silent Tongue, Where The Day Takes You, Longtime Companion, Young Guns
  • Gary Oldman: The Woman In The Window, The Laundromat, Killers Anonymous, Hunter Killer, Darkest Hour, The Hitman’s Bodyguard, The Space Between Us, Criminal (2016), Man Down, Child 44, The Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes, Robocop (2014), Paranoia (2013), Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, The Dark Knight Rises, Lawless, Harry Potter 8 – The Deathly Hallows 2, Kung Fu Panda 2 (voice), Red Riding Hood (2011), The Book Of Eli, Dead Fish, Planet 51 (voice), The Unborn, The Dark Knight, Harry Potter 4 – The Order of the Phoenix, Harry Potter 4 – The Goblet of Fire, Batman Begins, Harry Potter 3 – The Prisoner of Azkhaban, Hannibal, The Contender, Lost In Space, Airforce One, The Fifth Element, Basquiat, The Scarlet Letter (1995),  Murder In The First, Immortal Beloved, Leon, Romeo Is Bleeding, True Romance, Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992), JFK, Henry & June, State Of Grace, Rosencrantz & Guilderstern Are Dead, Chattahoochee, We Think The World Of You, Criminal Law, Prick Up Your Ears, Sid & Nancy, Mean Time

 

THE CORRUPTED

by Mark'd Commode

3 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 19th May 2019

Director: Ron Scalpello (My Name Is Lenny / Bobby (doc) / Pressure / Offender)

Cast: Sam Claflin, Timothy Spall, Noel Clarke, Naomi Ackie, David Hayman, Charlie Murphy, Joe Claflin, Alan McKenna, Sam Otto, Cathal Pendred, Decca Heggie, Don Gilet, George Russo, Shaun Dooley, Aled Aryhel, Adam Long, Linal Haft, Silas Carson, Jo Dyson with Lorraine Ashbourne and Hugh Bonneville

Writer: Nick Moorcroft

Trailer: THE CORRUPTED

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

THE CLEANSING

by Mark'd Commode

2.5 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 15th July 2019 (DVD premiere)

Director: Antony Smith (Sisters (2020) / King Arthur – Excalibur Rising / Vikings – The Berserkers)

Cast: Rebecca Acock, Rhys Meredith, Simon Nehan, Luke Bailey, Abbie Hirst, Sean Karlsen, Simon Pengelly and Alison Lenihan

Writer: David Shillitoe

Trailer: THE CLEANSING

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Rebecca Acock: Watcher In The Woods (2011)
  • Rhys Meredith: Don’t Let Him In
  • Luke Bailey: Casualty (TV), Waterloo Road (TV)
  • Abbie Hirst: Sisters (2020), King Arthur – Excalibur Rising, Viking Legacy
  • Sean Karlsen: Sisters (2020), Boudica – Rise of the Warrior Queen, Stella (TV)
  • Simon Pengelly: Boudica – Rise of the Warrior Queen, Kamikaze, The Antwerp Dolls
  • Alison Lenihan: Sisters (2020), Conjuring the Dead

CLEAVERS – KILLER CLOWNS

by Mark'd Commode

0.5 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 12th August 2019 (DVD premiere)

Director: MJ Dixon (Cleaver – Rise of the Killer Clown)

Cast: Georgie Smibert, Gemma Louise Troughton, Jessica Michelle Smith, Holly Anne-Dodkins, Kimberley Lasi, Matthew Baunsgard, Olivia Krys, Ben Manning, Jimi James, Chloe Badham with Derek Nelson and Paul Rogers

Writer: MJ Dixon

Trailer: CLEAVERS – KILLER CLOWNS

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

 

CALIBRE

by Mark'd Commode

7.5 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 29th June 2018 (Streaming)

Director: Matt Palmer

Cast: Jack Lowden, Martin McCann, Tony Curran, Ian Pirie, Kate Bracken, Cameron Jack, Conor McCarron, Kitty Lovett, George Anton, Therese Bradley, Gordon Brown and Cal MacAninch

Writer: Matt Palmer

Trailer: CALIBRE

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

CHARISMATA

by Mark'd Commode

3 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 6th May 2019 (DVD premiere)

Director: Andy Collier & Tor Mian

Cast: Sarah Beck Mather, Andonis Anthony, Jamie Satterthwaite, Johnny Vivash, Ross Mullan, David J Peel, Ethan Chapples, Nicole O’Neill, Antony Taylor, Sean Knopp, Ryan Spong and Louis Hilyer

Trailer: CHARISMATA

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

CANNIBALS AND CARPET FITTERS

by Mark'd Commode

6 out of 10

Release date: 6th May 2019 (DVD premiere)

Director: James Bushe

Cast: Richard Lee O’Donnell, Darren Sean Enbright, Zara Phythian, Dominic Holmes, Tony Nyland, Christopher Whitlow, Jenny Stokes, Laura Jean Marsh, Phill Martin, Mingus Johnston, Darren Maffucci, Grant Steven and Lee Charles with Alex Zane and Jessica Jane-Stafford

Writer: Richard Lee O’Donnell

Trailer: CARPET FITTERS AND CANNIBALS

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Miracles do happen. You sit through so many zero-value shit-fest throwaway films and then along comes a diamond just at the point that you thought the search was futile. Cannibals and Carpetfitters is from the same box of horrors as UK monster mash half-specials as Cockneys vs. Zombies and Strippers vs Werewolves. Somehow Cannibals and Carpet Fitters is even funnier, sharper, and better made. Better made as in better acted, better scripted, good gory special effects and better made in general. This film has been on my radar for a while, so it looks like the makers have bided their time, and spent their efforts getting this looking good and finished.  It’s a shame that this film never made any noise on its release because despite having no star actors to speak of, the title alone would’ve made horror fans queue around the block to see this at the cinema. Unfortunately, it’s fallen to the dreck vendors at High Fliers to bury this without a trace.

Well it’s a good job I’ve got a following of 25 people because I’ve probably doubled the number of people who have heard of this now. If you love wacky, dopey, inventively disgusting horror films then Cannibals and Carpet Fitters is definitely worth your time. The cannibals are great value – they are also named Charlie, Andrew, Edward, William and Harry – oh oh. Or should that be ho-ho. The action is well-choreographed and the balsa wood martial artist Zara Phythian (THE HIKE) does very well here as the nominal lead. Actually, it’s hard to believe that the filmmakers share actor associations with some truly terrible no-budget filmmakers. Hopefully, director James Bushe will get to follow this film up with something just as fun and inventive. My only question is, why oh why wasn’t thi stitled Rug Munchers?

6 out of 10 – My favourite low-budget comedy in a long time. It’s not a life-changer but if you are looking for a very funny, gorefest, then this horrible bit of film industry scrag end is the one for you. Bon apetit.

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

CURSE OF THE SCARECROW

by Mark'd Commode

1 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 29th April 2019 (DVD premiere)

Director: Louisa Warren (The Viking War)

Cast: Kate Lister, Cassandra French, Louisa Warren, Tiffany Ellen-Robinson, Tim Freeman, Darrell Griggs and Tommy Viles

Writer: Shannon Holiday

Trailer: CURSE OF THE SCARECROW

 

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

 

CURSE OF THE WITCH’S DOLL

by Mark'd Commode

2.5 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 21st January 2019 (DVD premiere)

Director: Lawrence Fowler

Cast:  Helen Crevel, Philip Ridout, Claire Carreno, Neil Hobbs, Layla Watts, Ethan Taylor, Lucy Janes, Robert Ansell, William Frazer and Michelle Archer

Writer: Lawrence Fowler

Trailer: CURSE OF THE WITCH’S DOLL

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?