I’ve seen fuck awful films from Wales, Ireland, and England (mainly Essex) but Scotland (up until now) have come out ahead. Somehow Attack of the Herbals has escaped my attention for pretty much the whole time we’ve been reviewing British and Irish movies… This sorry horror-comedy is unfunny, badly acted and fairly unimaginative.
A crate of Nazi tea washes up in a crate at a remote Scottish village decades later. It stayed waterproof! When some dopey morons decide to sell the tea to the locals in a get rich quick scheme to save the post office from an evil property developer, little did they know that after drinking it the villagers would turn into zzzzzombies.
This is retrograde sixth form project made by people who thought that Shaun of the Dead would be a doddle to remake. The amateur cast struggle and literally die on camera, struggling with the shitty script and plodding plot, which witholds the carnage for a very long, very unfunny 60 minutes or so. The only thing worse than a boring horror, is a boring and unfunny horror-comedy. This was a waste of time.
1 out of 10 – This registers some point because the sound, the camera work, the special effects worked, editing as they should. But this was far from entertaining.
WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?
Liam Matheson: The Dark Within, House of Ghosts, Redwood Massacre
Director: Bernard Rose (Samurai Mararthon 1855 / Boxing Day / Mr Nice / ivansxtc / Anna Karenina (1997) / Immortal Beloved / Candyman / Chicago Joe and The Showgirl / Paperhouse)
Cast: Danny Huston, Matthew Jacobs, Lisa Enos, Jo Farkas, Morgan Walsh and Dave Pressler
Danny Huston: Samurai Marathon 1855, Angel Has Fallen, Tigers, Stan & Ollie, Game Night, The Last Photograph (dir), Wonder Woman, Pressure, American Horror Story (TV), Big Eyes, The Congress, Hitchcock, Stolen, Wrath of the Titans, Made In Dagenham (voice), The Conspirator, Robin Hood (2010), Edge of Darkness, X-Men – Wolverine, How To Lose Friends and Alienate People, 30 Days of Night, The Kingdom (2007), Number 23, Children of Men, Marie Antoinette, The Proposition, The Constant Gardener, The Aviator, Birth, Silver City, 21 Grams, Hotel (2001), ivansxtc, Timecode 2000, Anna Karenina, Leaving Las Vegas, The Maddening (dir), Mr North (dir), The Human Factor
Director: Rodrigo Garcia (Passengers (2008) / Six Feet Under (TV))
Cast: Glenn Close, Mia Wasikowska, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Janet McTeer, Pauline Collins, Brenda Fricker, Maria Doyle Kennedy, Mark Williams, Antonia Campbell-Hughes, Bronogh Gallagher, James Greene, Serena Brabazon, Michael McElhatton, Phyllida Law with Brendan Gleeson and Jonathan Rhys-Meyers
Glenn Close: The Wife, Warcraft, The Girl With All The Gifts, Guardians of the Galaxy, Hoodwinked 2 (voice), Hoodwinked (voice), The Shield (TV), The Chumscrubber, The Stepford Wives (2004), Le divorce, 102 Dalmatians, Tarzan (voice), Cookie’s Fortune, In & Out, Airforce One, Paradise Road, 101 Dalmatians, Mars Attacks!, Mary Reilly, The Paper, The House of the Spirits, Hook, Meeting Venus, Hamlet (1990), Reversal of Fortune, Dangerous Liaisons, Fatal Attraction, Jagged Edge, The Big Chill, The World According To Garp
Mia Wasikowska: Alice In Wonderland 2, Crimson Peak, Madame Bovary (2014), Map To The Stars, The Double (2014), Tracks (2014), Only Lovers Left Alive, Stoker, Lawless, Jane Eyre (2011), Alice In Wonderland (2010), Defiance, Rogue, Suburban Mayhem
Aaron Taylor-Johnson: Nocturnal Animals, Avenger’s Assemble 2, Fifty Shades of Grey, Godzilla (2014), Kick Ass 2, Savages (2012), Anna Karenina (2012), Nowhere Boy, Kick Ass, Chatroom
Janet McTeer: Me Before You, Alleigant, Insurgent, Maleficent (narrator), The White Queen (TV), Parade’s End (TV), The Woman In Black, Island, As You Like It (2006), Tideland, The King Is Alive, Tumbleweeds, Velvet Goldmine, Carrington, Wuthering Heights (1992)
Pauline Collins: The Time of Their Lives, Dough, Dickensian (TV), Quartet, You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger, Paradise Road, City Of Joy, Shirley Valentine, Dr Who (TV)
Brenda Fricker: Casualty (TV), Stone of Destiny, Tara Road, Trauma, Veronica Guerin, War Bride, Resurrection Man, Swann, A Time To Kill, Moll Flanders (1996), A Man of No Importance, Angels In The Outfield, So I Married an Axe Murderer, Home Alone 2, Utz, The Field, My Left Foot
Maria Doyle Kennedy: The Conjuring 2, Sing Street, Jupiter Ascending, Byzantium, Titanic (TV), The Tudors (TV), Miss Julie (2000), Gregory’s Two Girls, The General (1998), A Further Gesture, Moll Flanders (1996), Nothing Personal, The Commitments
Mark Williams: Early Man (voice), Father Brown (TV), Golden Years, Flutter, Harry Potter parts 1 – 8, Stardust, A Cock and Bull Story, Agent Cody Banks 2, High Heels and Low Lifes, The Fast Show (TV), Whatever to Happened To Harold Smith?, Shakespeare In Love, The Borrowers, 101 Dalmatians, The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer (TV), Alexei Sayle’s Stuff (TV), Red Dwarf (TV)
Michael McElhatton: Justice League, King Arthur – Legend of the Sword, The Autopsy of Jane Doe, The Siege of Jadotville, Game of Thrones (TV), The Hallow, The Fall (TV), Parked, Intermission, I Went Down
Phyllida Law:A Little Chaos, The Waiting Room, Miss Potter, Tooth, I’ll Be There, The Time Machine (2002), Saving Grace, Mad Cows, I Want You, The Winter Guest, Anna Karenina (1996), Emma (1996), Junior (1994), Before The Rain, Much Ado About Nothing (1993), Peter’s Friends
Brendan Gleeson: Paddington 2, Alone In Berlin, Hampstead, Trespass Against Us, Live By Night, Assassin’s Creed, In the Heart of the Sea, Song of the Sea (voice), Suffragette, Stonehearst Asylum, The Grand Seduction, The Smurfs 2 (voice), Edge of Tomorrow, Calvary, The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists (voice), The Raven, Safe House, The Guard, Harry Potter- part 7, Green Zone, In Bruges, Beouwulf (mo-cap), Harry Potter- part 4 & 5, Breakfast On Pluto, Kingdom Of Heaven, The Village, Troy, Cold Mountain, Dark Blue, Gangs Of New York, 28 Days Later, AI- Artificial Intelligence, The Tailor Of Panama, Mission Impossible 2, Lake Placid, This Is My Father, The General (1998), I Went Down, A Further Gesture, The Butcher Boy, Turbulence, Trojan Eddie, Michael Collins, Braveheart, Into The West
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers: Damascus Cover, London Town, Vikings (TV), Stonewall, The Mortal Instruments, The Tudors (TV), From Paris With Love, August Rush, Mission Impossible 3, Match Point, Alexander, Vanity Fair (2004), I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead, Octane, Bend It Like Beckham, Prozac Nation, Ride With The Devil, Titus, The Loss of Sexual Innocence, The Governess, The Tribe, Velvet Goldmine, The Disappearance of Finbar
Cast: Jack Davenport, Adrian Dunbar, Annabel Mullion, Thomas Underhill, Diana Quick, Annette Badland, Flora Montgomery, Robert Portal, Jane How with Juliet Aubrey and Margaret Tyzack
Mother’s Milk is a dreary, amateurish adaptation of Edward St.Aubyn‘s novel about a son (JACK DAVENPORT – THIS LIFE) who is about to be disinherited by his mother (MARGARET TYZACK – 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY). The mother intends to leave her mansion in the south of France to a hippie, health guru (ADRIAN DUNBAR – HEAR MY SONG). The son takes his family along for one last summer holiday in an attempt to reverse his fortunes. His young son (THOMAS UNDERHILL – PAPADOPOULOS & SONS) watches from a far contributing one of two unfunny, miserable and depressing narrations. His father does the other.
The miserable pair fail miserably at having a good time or achieving the mission to get the house back from the new age hippies. The father drinks whiskey and womanises, whilst the son just observes and feels jealous of his baby brother. It’s one sad set-piece after antoher which is so wobbly of tone, you’re not sure if you’re watching a comedy or a tragedy. It’s more the latter, because any attempts at humour are met with a groan. Both leads talk as if they’re confiding in you and that you’re actually in agreement with their schemes, when everybody in sight is a money grabbing toss pot. Actually, the supposed villain of the piece (Dunbar) actually comes across most sympathetic, even though he is a charlatan. At least he’s a nice one.
The pace is funereal and the scenes are shot with a laziness that is indemic throughout the film. Pity the decent actors who are stymied by upper middle class cliches and a lack of tasty dialogue. I’ve not read the book but I don’t think I’d get much pleasure reading about this group of self-entitled, wimps, pissheads and ingrates.
2 out of 10 – Awful film. Makes you hate people with money. It’s so cack you end up rooting for the baddie!
WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?
Jack Davenport: The Tank, Kingsman – The Secret Service, Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 2, The Wedding Date, The Libertine, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Bunker, The Talented Mr Ripley, The Wisdom of Crocodiles
Adrian Dunbar: The Hollow Crown (TV), The Line of Duty (TV), Good Vibrations, Shooters, Wild About Harry, The Wedding Tackle, The General (1998), Richard III (1995), The Near Room, Innocent Lies, Widow’s Peak, The Crying Game, The Playboys, Hear My Song, My Left Foot
Annabel Mullion: Me Without You, Carrington
Thomas Underhill: Papadopoulos & Sons
Diana Quick: Dr Who (voice)(TV), Revenger’s Tragedy, The Affair of the Necklace, Saving Grace, Vigo, The Leading Man, Nostradamus, Wilt, Vroom, Brideshead Revisited (TV), The Big Sleep, The Duellists
Annette Badland: Eastenders (TV), Outlander (TV), Legacy – Black Ops,Three and Out, Cutting It (TV), Dr Who (TV), Valiant (voice), Club Le Monde, Honest, Little Voice, 24-7 – Twentyfourseven, Hollow Reed, Angels and Insects, Captives, Beyond Bedlam, Anchoress, Making Out (TV), Bergerac (TV), Jabberwocky
Flora Montgomery: Basic Instinct 2, When Brendan Met Trudy
Juliet Aubrey: Mine, The Infiltrator, The White Queen (TV), Lillyhammer (TV), F, Iris, The Constant Gardener, Still Crazy, Welcome To Sarajevo
Margaret Tyzack: Match Point, Bright Young Things, Mrs Dalloway, The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles (TV), The King’s Whore, Prick Up Your Ears, The Quatermass Conclusion, I Claudius (TV), A Clockwork Orange, Jackanory (TV), 2001 – A Space Odyssey
Cast: Charlie Cox, Jodie Whittaker, Paul Schneider, Christian Cooke, Antonia Thomas, Annabelle Wallis, Laura Donnelly, Kerry Shale with Henry LLoyd-Hughes and Judy Parfitt
Charlie Cox: Eat Local, Daredevil (TV), The Theory of Everything, Boardwalk Empire (TV), Glorious 39, Stone of Destiny, Stardust, Casanova, The Merchant of Venice (2004)
Paul Schneider: The Daughter, Water For Elephants, Away We Go, Bright Star, Lars and the Real Girl, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, Elizabethtown, The Family Stone, All The Real Girls, George Washington
Henry Lloyd-Hughes: Now You See Me 2, Indian Summers (TV), Weekender, Inbetweeners Movie, The Inbetweeners (TV), Unrelated, Harry Potter & The Goblet Of Fire
Judy Parfitt: Call The Midwife (TV), W/E, Dean Spanley, Girl With a Pearl Earring, Ever After, Wilde, Dolores Clairborne, King Ralph, Diamond Skulls, Maurice, The Jewel In The Crown (TV)
Timothy Spall: Early Man (voice), The Journey, Away, Denial, Alice In Wonderland 2 (voice), Mr Turner, The Love Punch,The Rise, Love Bite, Ginger and Rosa, The King’s Speech, Harry Potter – parts 3 – 8, Wake Wood, Reuniting The Rubins, Heartless, Alice In Wonderland (2011) (voice), Apaloosa, The Damned Utd, Sweeney Todd, Pierrepoint, Lemony Snickets Series of Unfortunate Events, The Last Samurai, Nicholas Nickleby (2002), All Or Nothing, Vanilla Sky, Rock Star, Lucky Break, Chicken Run (voice), Loves Labours Lost, Topsy Turvy, Still Crazy, Wisdom Of Crocodiles, Hamlet (1996), Secrets & Lies, Life Is Sweet, The Sheltering Sky, White Hunter Black Heart, To Kill a Priest, The Missionary, Auf Wierdesen Pet (TV), Quadrophenia
Kevin McKidd: Tulip Fever, Grey’s Anatomy (TV), Percy Jackson and The Lightning Thief, Made of Honour, The Last Legion, Hannibal Rising, The Purifiers, De-Lovely, 16 Years of Alcohol, Nicholas Nickleby (2002), Max (2002), Dog Soldiers, Topsy Turvy, Hideous Kinky, Bedrooms and Hallways, The Acid House, Dad Savage, The Leading Man, Small Faces, Trainspotting
Cast: Maggie Gyllenhaal, Hugh Dancy, Jonathan Pryce, Felicity Jones, Ashley Jensen, Gemma Jones, Malcolm Rennie, Anna Chancellor, Kim Crisswell, Georgie Glen, David Ryall with Sheridan Smith and Rupert Everett
Maggie Gyllenhaal: The Deuce (TV), The Kindergarten Teacher, Frank, White House Down, Nanny McPhee 2, Crazy Heart, Away We Go, The Dark Knight, Stranger Than Fiction, World Trade Center, Monster House (voice), Sherrybaby, Criminal (2004), Mona Lisa Smile, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Adaptation, 40 Days and 40 Nights, Secretary, Riding In Cars With Boys, Donnie Darko, Cecil B Demented, A Dangerous Woman, Waterland
Hugh Dancy: Hannibal (TV), Martha Marcy May Marlene, Confessions of a Shopaholic, Adam, The Jane Austen Book Club, Evening, Savage Grace, Blood and Chocolate, Basic Instinct 2, King Arthur, Ella Enchanted, Black Hawk Down
Jonathan Pryce: The Two Popes, The Man Who Killed Don Quixote, The Man Who Invented Christmas, The Wife, Taboo (TV), Dough, Game of Thrones (TV), The White King, Wolf Hall (TV), Woman In Gold, Narcopolis, The Salvation, Listen Up Philip, GI Joe 2- Retaliation, Dark Blood, GI Joe – The Rise of Cobra, Bedtime Stories, Leatherheads, Pirates of the Caribbean 3 – At World’s End, Pirates of the Caribbean 2 – Dead Man’s Chest, The New World, Brothers of the Head, The Brother’s Grimm, De-Lovely, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Affair of the Necklace, Very Annie Mary, Stigmata, Ronin, James Bond – Tomorrow Never Dies, Evita, Carrington, Shopping, A Business Affair, The Age of Innocence, Mr Wroe’s Virgins (TV), Glengarry Glen Ross, Freddie as FRO7 (voice), The Rachel Papers, The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, Jumpin’ Jack Flash, Haunted Honeymoon, Doctor and the Devils, Brazil, A Ploughman’s Lunch, Breaking Glass
Gemma Jones: Cold Feet (TV), Rocketman, Patrick, God’s Own Country, Bridget Jones 3 – Bridget Jones Baby, Radiator, Last Tango In Halifax (TV), Marvellous, Merlin (TV), Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows 2, Forget Me Not, You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, Bridget Jones 2, Shanghai Knights, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Bridget Jones, Captain Jack, The Winslow Boy, The Theory of Flight, Wilde, Sense and Sensibility, Feast of July, On The Black Hill, Paperhouse, The Devilsand Sensibility, Feast of July, On The Black Hill, Paperhouse, The Devils
Malcolm Rennie: Mr Selfridge (TV), The Lenny Henry Show (TV)
Anna Chancellor: Pennyworth (TV), Nativity 4 – Nativity Rocks!, Benjamin, The Happy Prince, Pramface (TV), Testament of Youth, How I Live Now, We’ll Take Manhattan, St Trinians, Breaking and Entering, The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, Agent Cody Banks 2, The Dreamers, Crush (2001), The Man Who Knew Too Little, Princess Caraboo, Staggered, Tom & Viv, Four Weddings and a Funeral
Georgie Glen: Waterloo Road (TV), Heartbeat (TV)
David Ryall: Automata, The Village (TV), Quartet, Trollied (TV), Outnumbered (TV), Harry Potter 7 – The Deathly Hallows 1, The League Of Gentleman – Apocalypse, Around The World In 80 Days (2004), Blackball, Truly Madly Deeply
Rupert Everett: Creation Stories, The Name of the Rose (TV), The Happy Prince, Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children, A Royal Night Out, Justin and the Knights of Valour (voice), Parade’s End (TV), Wild Target (2010), St. Trinians 2 – The Legend of Fritton’s Gold, St Trinians (2007), Stardust, Shrek 3 (voice), The Chronicles Of Narnia – The Lion The Witch & The Wardrobe (voice), Seperate Lies, Stage Beauty, To Kill a King, Shrek 2 (voice), The Importance Of Being Earnest (2002), The Next Best Thing, Inspector Gadget, An Ideal Husband, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Shakespeare In Love, B-Monkey, Dunston Checks In, The Madness Of King George III, Pret a Porter, The Comfort Of Strangers, Dance With a Stranger, Another Country
Director: Sally Potter (The Road Not Taken / The Party / Rage / Yes / The Man Who Cried / The Tango Lesson / Orlando)
Cast: Elle Fanning, Alice Englert, Alessandro Nivola, Christine Hendricks, Timothy Spall, Jodhi May, Andrew Hawley, Oliver Milburn with Annette Bening and Oliver Platt
Elle Fanning: The Road Not Taken, A Rainy Day In New York, Maleficent 2 – Mistress of Evil, Teen Spirit, How To Talk To Girls at Parties, Mary Shelley, The Beguiled, 20th Century Women, Live by Night, The Neon Demon, Trumbo, The Boxtrolls (voice), Maleficent, We Bought a Zoo, Twixt, Super 8, Somewhere, The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, Phoebe In Wonderland, Babel
Alice Englert: Top of the Lake (TV), Johathan Strange & Mr Norrell (TV), In Fear, Beautiful Creatures
Alessandro Nivola:Disobedience, You Were Never Really Here, The Neon Demon, Selma, A Most Violent Year, American Hustle, Devil’s Knot, Howl (2010), Coco Before Chanel, Goal 2 – Living the Dream, Junebug, Laurel Canyon, Jurassic Park 3, Goal, Timecode 2000, Love’s Labour’s Lost (2000), Mansfield Park, Best Laid Plans (1999), I Want You, Face/Off, Inventing The Abbots
Christina Hendricks: American Woman, Toy Story 4 (voice), Tin Star (TV), The Strangers 2 – Prey at Night, Crooked House, Fist Fight, Bad Santa 2, The Neon Demon, Zoolander 2, Mad Men (TV), Lost River, God’s Pocket, I Don’t Know How She Does It, Drive, Life As We Know It, Firefly (TV), ER (TV)
Timothy Spall: Mrs Lowry and Son, Hatton Garden (TV), The Corrupted, Stanley – A Man of Variety, Finding Your Feet, Early Man (voice), Electric Dreams (TV), The Party,The Journey,Denial, Alice In Wonderland 2 (voice), Away, Mr Turner, The Love Punch, The Rise, Love Bite, Comes a Bright Day, Harry Potter 8 – The Deathly Hallows 2, The King’s Speech, Harry Potter 7 – The Deathly Hallows 1, Wake Wood, Heartless, Reuniting The Rubins, Harry Potter 6 – The Half-Blood Prince, Alice In Wonderland (2011) (voice), Apaloosa, The Damned Utd, Sweeney Todd, Pierrepoint, Harry Potter 5 – The Order of the Phoenix, Harry Potter 4 – The Goblet of Fire, Lemony Snickets Series of Unfortunate Events, Harry Potter 3 – The Prisoner of Azkhaban, The Last Samurai, Gettin’ Square, Nicholas Nickleby (2002), All Or Nothing, Vanilla Sky, Rock Star, Lucky Break, Chicken Run (voice), Loves Labours Lost, Topsy Turvy, Still Crazy, Wisdom Of Crocodiles, Hamlet (1996), Secrets & Lies, Life Is Sweet, The Sheltering Sky, White Hunter Black Heart, To Kill a Priest, The Missionary, Auf Wierdesen Pet (TV), Quadrophenia
Jodhi May: The Witcher (TV), Scarborough, A Quiet Passion, I Anna, Defiance, Flashbacks Of a Fool, Nightwatching, On a Clear Day, The House Of Mirth, The Woodlanders, The Gambler, Sister My Sister, Second Best, The Last Of The Mohicans (1992)
Oliver Milburn: The Royals (TV), Wuthering Heights (2011), The Kid (2010), Green Wing (TV), Driving Lessons, The Descent, Me Without You, The Browning Version (1994), Loaded
Annette Bening: Death on the Nile, The Report, Captain Marvel, The Seagull, Film Stars Don’t Die In Liverpool, 20th Century Women, Danny Collins, Ruby Sparks, The Kids Are All Right, The Women, Being Julia, Open Range, American Beauty, In Dreams, The Siege, Mars Attacks, The American President, Richard III, Love Affair, Bugsy, Regarding Henry, Guilty By Suspicion, The Grifters, Postcards From The Edge, Valmont, The Great Outdoors
Oliver Platt: Professor Marsden and the Wonder Women, The 9th Life of Louis Drax, Kill The Messenger, Legends of Oz – Dorothy’s Return, Chef, The Oranges, X Men- First Class, Love and Other Drugs, Letters To Juliet, Please Give, 2012, Year One, Frost/Nixon, Casanova (2005), Kinsey, Pieces Of April, Don’t Say a Word, Ready To Rumble, Gun Shy, Bicentennial Man, Three To Tango, Lake Placid, Doctor Dolittle, The Imposters, Bulworth, A Time To Kill, Executive Decision, Funny Bones, The Three Musketeers (1994), Benny & Joon, Indecent Proposal, Beethoven, Postcards From The Edge, Flatliners, Working Girl, Married To The Mob
Something’s grabbing Irish fishermen to their doom! Who would do such a dastardly thing and why? Well, ‘grabbers’ obviously: hideous octopus-like fiends from who knows where, rendered in surprisingly reasonable (if still unconvincing) CGI (bring back models I say!), which grab people and eat them so long as, and here’s the twist, they aren’t drunk. Yes, just as Steve McQueen’s blob was repulsed by water, here we have a blobby alien / monster thing idiotically invading the alcohol-soaked denizens of Ireland. (I apologise to any teetotal Irish folk who might be reading this and I admit that I am using the film GRABBERS as my only source of knowledge of your fair island. So you’ve only got your own film industry to blame.) (And that’s Steve McQueen of THE GREAT ESCAPE and THE BLOB fame, not the film-maker who keeps doing things to Michael Fassbender.)
But wouldn’t you know it, the grabbers have turned up at one of Ireland’s most remote and Oirish (and oh it is so very, very Oirish) islands, peopled by very, very Oirish caricatures, where the only people who can save humanity are a drunk cop, a non-drunk lady cop, a scientist (English and therefore uptight), and a bunch of drunk locals, who soon work out that there’s some sort of beast eating them, and which they soon find a clever name for, and then they work out that survival is based on drunkenness, so all our comedy Oirish folk have to get very, very drunk and so they do, but the film occasionally changes its own rules, so sometimes that doesn’t work, and sometimes it does, and one of our main characters has to give up drink though I never really worked out why, and personal demons are faced, and it’s all very whimsical, charming, quirky and Oirish.
So the monstrous grabbers are grabbing away at people, and they do so in what is clearly meant to be a humorous way. Which is fine as far as it goes, but the grabbing isn’t particularly hilarious, and isn’t in any way frightening at all. This is the problem. The film-makers consistently aim for funny, or rather, quirky. By ignoring ‘scary’ the film has no real threat. So if you don’t care about the characters it doesn’t really matter how funny they are. So grabbing continues, and the film stays all whimsical and cute and it’s like Ballykissangel without the edge.
In the cast we find Richard Coyle as a policeman with a drink problem (remember there’s nothing wrong with a cliché if you do something interesting with it, though there’s no danger of that here). Then again, who wouldn’t have a drink problem when stationed in the whimsically picturesque middle of nowhere with nothing but lovable Oirish rogues for company? Coyle is one of those decent actors forever miscast in leading roles (personally, in spite of whatever I might have said when reviewing OUTPOST 2, I think he’d be much better in scene-stealing supporting roles). Anyway, he does his best here with a script which often seems contradictory and lacking in anything interesting (apparently now is the time to give up the demon drink, just as the demon drink turns out to be the only thing that can save you), and just about gets away with it. Much better is Ruth Bradley as a policewoman without a drink problem but with zeal and competence, yet somehow manages to avoid being either irritating or whimsical. And then there’s Russell Tovey as a comedy
scientist, giving a good performance if this was a spoof or a sketch. Elsewhere, the Oirish caricature engine is in overdrive, and when will someone give Bronagh Galagher a decent role?
For a low budget film, everything looks and feels OK. The problems are the film’s artificiality (it really is very Oirish and whimsical in case I hadn’t mentioned that elsewhere) and the sheer lack of substance. Will you roll on the floor laughing? No. Will you hide in fear behind the sofa? The idea will never occur to you. Will you be moderately diverted? Yes, perhaps, and Ireland does look very pretty. But surely you want more from that in a film? You know, stuff like peril, suspense, character, comedy, ideas, quandaries, conflict, debate, stomach-churning violence, amusing kittens. None of these are to be found in GRABBERS.
GRABBERS wants (I think) to be a comic horror (think SHAUN OF THE DEAD, ATTACK THE BLOCK) but drifts too often into spoofland, but a whimsical spoofland where nothing is funny enough or charming enough or clever enough, and ends up falling drunkenly into a whimsical (yet moderately charming and picturesque) hole which it is unable to stagger out of. The whole thing feels like it’s been designed and manufactured by the Visit Whimsical Ireland Tourist Board. It’s one of those films which is trying so hard to be likeable that you just can’t like it. The story is wafer thin (here’s a beast! How can we defeat it? Ah, that’s how!), the characters are Oirish beyond belief and have all the three-dimensionality of very, very thin tissue paper, there are some decent gags, but the film gets so swept up with its own USP (monster-repelling alcohol) that it doesn’t do anything interesting with it. Why are the grabbers grabbing now? Why are they grabbing here? What is a grabber anyway? Is there some sort of Irish (or even Oirish) myth that might have some sort of relevance? These simple questions could’ve led to all sorts of interesting situations for our characters, but the film-makers answered them all with ‘Who cares? They’re grabbers and alcohol poisons them ho-ho!’ and left it at that.
I wish I’d liked GRABBERS, but it’s too pleased with itself, and has far too little to be pleased about. It’s a one-joke film without the joke, drowning drunkenly in its own whimsical quirky charm. Maybe you need to be a little bit drunk (or thoroughly plastered) in order to appreciate it properly?
Director: Michael Winterbottom (On The Road – Wolf Alice / The Trip To Italy (TV) /The Face of An Angel / The Look Of Love/ Everyday /The Trip (TV) / The Killer Inside Me / Genova / A Mighty Heart / The Road To Guantanamo / A Cock And Bull Story / 9 Songs / Code 46 / In This World / The Claim (2000) / Wonderland (1999) / I Want You / Welcome To Sarajevo / Jude / Butterfly Kiss)
Cast: Freida Pinto, Riz Ahmed, Roshan Seth, Anurag Kashyap, Poonam Kaskar, Amit Trivedi and Neet Mohan
Freida Pinto: Guerilla (TV), Desert Dancer, Knight Of Cups, Yamasong (voice), Blunt Force Trauma, Black Gold, Immortals, The Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes, Miral, You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger, Slumdog Millionnaire
Roshan Seth: Dumbo (2018), Boogie Man, City of Tiny Lights, Indian Summers (TV), Proof (2005), Frozen (2005), South West 9, Monsoon Wedding, Vertical Limit, Such a Long Journey, Solitaire For 2, Street Fighter, Electric Moon, London Kills Me, Mississippi Masala, Not Without My Daughter, Mountains Of The Moon, Slipstream (1989), My Beautiful Laundrette, A Passage To India, Indiana Jones and The Temple Of Doom, Gandhi, Juggernaut
RISE OF THE ZOMBIE HOOLIGAN FILMS 