I’ve seen fuck awful films from Wales, Ireland, and England (mainly Essex) but Scotland (up until now) have come out ahead. Somehow Attack of the Herbals has escaped my attention for pretty much the whole time we’ve been reviewing British and Irish movies… This sorry horror-comedy is unfunny, badly acted and fairly unimaginative.
A crate of Nazi tea washes up in a crate at a remote Scottish village decades later. It stayed waterproof! When some dopey morons decide to sell the tea to the locals in a get rich quick scheme to save the post office from an evil property developer, little did they know that after drinking it the villagers would turn into zzzzzombies.
This is retrograde sixth form project made by people who thought that Shaun of the Dead would be a doddle to remake. The amateur cast struggle and literally die on camera, struggling with the shitty script and plodding plot, which witholds the carnage for a very long, very unfunny 60 minutes or so. The only thing worse than a boring horror, is a boring and unfunny horror-comedy. This was a waste of time.
1 out of 10 – This registers some point because the sound, the camera work, the special effects worked, editing as they should. But this was far from entertaining.
WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?
Liam Matheson: The Dark Within, House of Ghosts, Redwood Massacre
Cast: Sally Dexter, Andrew Dunn, Mica Proctor, Kurtis Lowe, Kate Coogan, Thaila Zucchi, Nicky Evans, William Fox, Simon Corble, Seamus O’Neill, Laurence R Harvey and Charlie Chuck with Dominic Brunt (voice) and Joanne Mitchell
Thaila Zucchi: Purge of Kingdoms, Hollyoaks Later (TV), Shameless (TV), Frankie Boyle’s Tramadol Nights (TV), The Kevin Bishop Show (TV), Star Street (TV)
Cast: Noeleen Comiskey, Steven Bush, Sidney Livingstone, Hayley Marie Axe, Grace Blackman, Sharon Lawrence, Louis McKell with Ian Burfield and Michael McKell
Cast: Scott Adkins, Craig Fairbrass, Thomas Turgoose, Nick Moran, Kierston Wareing, Ross O’Hennessy, Terence Maynard, Beau Fowler, Jane Thorpe, Daniel Adegboyega, Mark Strange, Joe Egan, Lee Charles with Leo Gregory and Louis Mandylor
Scott Adkins: Ip Man 4, Incoming, Triple Threat,Accident Man, The Debt Collector (2018), Wolf Warrior 2, American Assassin, Boyka – Undisputed 4, Eliminators, Doctor Strange, Hard Target 2, Grimsby, Jarhead 3 – The Siege, Zero Tolerance – 2 Guns II, Re-Kill, Criminal (2016), Legendary, Ninja 2 – Shadow of a Tear, The Legend of Hercules, Green Street 3 – Never Back Down, Universal Soldier 4 – Day of Reckoning , Zero Dark Thirty, The Expendables 2, Assassination Games, Undisputed 3 – Redemption, The Tournament, X Men: Wolverine, Undisputed 2 – Last Man Standing, The Bourne Ultimatum, The Pink Panther (2006), Eastenders (TV), Black Mask 2 – City of Masks, Doctors (TV)
Terence Maynard: The Marine 6 – Close Quarters, Death Race 4 – Beyond Anarchy, Coronation Street (TV), Edge of Tomorrow, All Things To All Men, Revolver, Reign Of Fire
Louis Mandylor: The Debt Collector 2, Doom 2 – Annihilation, Rambo 5 – Last Blood, The Debt Collector (2018), My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2, Not Another Not Another Movie, Sinners and Saints, Redline, My Big Greek Life (TV), My Big Greek Wedding, Price of Glory, Martial Law (TV), Nash Bridges (TV), The Quest (1996), Grace Under Fire (TV), Necessary Roughness
Oona Chaplin: Avatar 2, The Longest Ride, Black Mirror (TV), The Crimson Field (TV), Taboo (TV), What If?, Dates (TV), Game of Thrones (TV), The Powder Room
Natalia Tena: Game Of Thrones (TV), 10.000 kms, Black Mirror (TV), Superbob, Ambassadors (TV), You Instead, Clone, Harry Potter 8 – The Deathly Hallows 2, Harry Potter 7 – The Deathly Hallows, Harry Potter 6 – The Half Blood Prince, Harry Potter 4 – The Goblet of Fire, About a Boy
David Verdaguer: The Days To Come, 10.000 kms
Lara Rossi: Iron Sky 2 – The Coming Race, Robin Hood (2018)
Geraldine Chaplin: Jurassic World 5 – Fallen Kingdom, Electric Dreams (TV), A Monster Calls, The Impossible, The Wolf Man, The Orphanage, Talk To Her, Cousin Bette, Crimetime, Jane Eyre (1996), Home for the Holidays, The Age of Innocence, Chaplin, The Return of the Musketeers, White Mischief, Nashville, The Doctor and the Devil, Doctor Zhivago
Director: Gareth Evans (The Raid 2 / VHS 2 / The Raid)
Cast: Dan Stevens, Michael Sheen, Lucy Boynton, Mark Lewis Jones, Bill Milner, Paul Higgins, Kristin Froseth, Sharon Morgan, Caitrin Aaron, John Weldon, Ioan Hefin, Richard Elfyn, Sebastian McChayne, Ross O’ Hennessy and Elen Rhys
Dan Stevens: Her Smell, The Man Who Invented Christmas, Kill Switch (2017), Beauty & The Beast (2017), Night At The Museum 3 – Secret of the Tomb, A Walk Amongst The Tombstones, The Guest, The Fifth Estate, Summer In February, Downton Abbey (TV)
Michael Sheen: The Voyage of Doctor Doolittle, Good Omens (TV), Apostle, Slaughterhouse Rulez, Brad’s Status, Passengers (2017), Nocturnal Animals, Alice In Wonderland 2 – Alice Through The Looking Glass (voice), Kill The Messenger, Masters Of Sex (TV), Far From The Madding Crowd (2015), The Adventurer – Curse of the Midas Box, Twilight 4 – Breaking Dawn 2, The Gospel Of Us – The Passion of Port Talbot, Twilight 3 – Breaking Dawn 1, Midnight In Paris, Resistance, Tron 2 – Legacy, Alice In Wonderland (voice), New Moon, The Damned United, Underworld 3 – Rise of the Lycans, Blood Diamond, The Queen, Underworld 2 – Evolution, The League Of Gentlemen – Apocalypse, Kingdom Of Heaven, Laws Of AttractioKit n, Timeline, Underworld, Bright Young Things, The Four Feathers (2002), Heartlands, Wilde, Mary Reilly, Othello (1995)
Paul Higgins: The Party’s Just Beginning, Victoria & Abdul, Line of Duty (TV), Couple In a Hole, Utopia (TV), In The Loop, The Thick of It (TV), Red Road, Beautiful Creatures (2000), Complicity, Bedrooms and Hallways
Director: James Kent (MotherFatherSon (TV) / A Testament of Youth / The White Queen (TV))
Cast: Keira Knightley, Alexander Skarsgard, Jason Clarke, Flora Thiemann, Kate Phillips, Fionn O’Shea, Jannik Schumann, Anna Kathrina Schimrigk, Rosa Enskat, Pip Torrens and Martin Compston
Writer: Joe Shrapnel, Anna Waterhouse & Rhidian Brooks
Keira Knightley: Colette, The Nut Cracker and The Four Realms, Berlin I Love You, Pirates of the Caribbean 5 – Dead Men Tell No Tales, Collateral Beauty, Say When, Everest, The Imitation Game, Laggies, Begin Again, Jack Ryan- Shadow Recruit, Seeking a Friend For The End Of The World, A Dangerous Method, Never Let Me Go, London Boulevard, Last Night, The Duchess, The End Of Love, Silk, Atonement, Pirates Of The Caribbean 3 – At World’s End, Domino, Pirates of Carribean 2 – Dead Man’s Chest, Pride & Prejudice (2005), The Jacket, King Arthur (2004), Love Actually, Pirates of the Caribbean – Curse of the Black Pearl, Pure, Thunderpants, Bend It Like Beckham, The Hole (2001), Star Wars – The Phantom Menace, Innocent Lies
Alexander Skarsgard: Godzilla vs. Kong, The Kill Team. Long Shot, The Little Drummer Girl (TV), Mute, Big Little Lies (TV), The Legend of Tarzan, War on Everyone, The Giver, The East, What Maisie Knew, Battleship (2012), Straw Dogs (2011), Melancholia, Trust The Man, 13, Kill Your Darlings, Zoolander
Jason Clarke: Pet Sematery (2019), Serenity, First Man, Winchester, The Man With The Iron Heart, Mudbound, Everest, Child 44, Terminator 5, Knight of Cups, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, White House Down, The Great Gatsby (2013), Zero Dark Thirty, Lawless, Texas Killing Fields, Trust (2010), Public Enemies, Death Race, Farscape (TV), Home & Away (TV), Rabbit Proof Fence
Kate Phillips: Downton Abbey, The Little Stranger, Peaky Blinders (TV), War and Peace (TV), Wolf Hall (TV)
Mark Benton: The Halcyon (TV), Eddie The Eagle, Waterloo Road (TV), Breaking and Entering, Booze Cruise 3 (TV), Three and Out, Booze Cruise 2 (TV), Early Doors (TV), The Booze Cruise (TV), Mr In-Between, Topsy Turvy, The Lost Son, The Sea Change, Career Girls, Boon (TV)
Director: Kenneth Branagh (Death On The Nile (2020) / Artemis Fowl / Murder on the Orient Express (2017) / Cinderella (2015) / Jack Ryan – Shadow Recruit / Thor / Sleuth / The Magic Flute / As You Like It (2006) / Love’s Labour’s Lost (2000) / Hamlet (1996) / A Midwinter’s Tale / Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein / Much Ado About Nothing (1993) / Peter’s Friends / Dead Again / Henry V)
Cast: Kenneth Branagh, Judi Dench, Ian McKellen, Kathryn Wilder, Lydia Wilson, Jack Colgrave-Hirst, Hadley Fraser, Alex MacQueen, John Dagliesh, Phil Dunster, Sam Ellis, Jimmy Yuill with Gerard Horan and Nonso Anozie
Kenneth Branagh: Death On The Nile (2020), Artemis Fowl (dir), Murder on the Orient Express (dir)(2017), Dunkirk, Mindhorn, Cinderella (dir), Jack Ryan, Thor (dir), Wallander (TV), The Boat That Rocked, Valkyrie, As You Like It (2006)(dir), Sleuth (dir), Five Children and It, Rabbit Proof Fence, Shackleton (TV), Love’s Labours Lost, The Theory of Flight, Wild Wild West, Celebrity, The Gingerbread Man, Hamlet (1996), A Midwinter’s Tale (dir), Othello (1995), Frankenstein (1994), Much Ado About Nothing (1993), Swing Kids, Peter’s Friends, Dead Again, Henry V (1989), Thompson (TV), Fortunes of War (TV), A Month In The Country, High Season
Judi Dench: Artemis Fowl, Tulip Fever, Nothing Like a Dame (doc), Murder On The Orient Express (2017), Victoria and Abdul, Miss Peregrine’s School For Peculiar Children, Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, Philomena, Run For Your Wife,James Bond – Skyfall, Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, J. Edgar, My Week With Marilyn, Jane Eyre (2011), Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 – On Stranger Tides, Nine, Notes On A Scandal, James Bond – Quantum Of Solace, Mrs Henderson Presents, Pride & Prejudice (2005), Ladies In Lavender, James Bond – Casino Royale, The Chronicles Of Riddick, The Importance Of Being Earnest, The Shipping News, Iris, James Bond – Die Another Day, Chocolat, Tea With Mussolini, James Bond – The World Is Not Enough, Shakespeare In Love, James Bond – Tomorrow Never Dies, Hamlet (1995), Mrs Brown, James Bond – Golden Eye, Jack & Sarah, Henry V (1989), A Handful Of Dust, 84 Charing Cross Road, A Room With a View
Ian McKellen: Beauty & The Beast (2017), Mr Holmes, Vicious (TV), The Hobbit – Battle of the Five Armies, X-Men 4, The Hobbit – The Desolation of Smaug, X-Men: Wolverine 2, The Golden Compass (voice), Flushed Away (voice), Extras (TV), X-Men 3, The Da Vinci Code, Coronation Street (TV), Asylum, The Lord of the Rings – The Return of the King, Emile, X-Men 2, The Lord of the Rings – The Two Towers, The Lord of the Rings – Fellowship of the Ring, X-Men, Apt Pupil, Gods and Monsters, Swept Away, Bent, Restoration, Richard III (1995), Jack & Sarah, The Shadow (1994), To Die For (voice)(1993), Six Degrees of Seperation, And The Band Played On, The Ballad of Little Jo, The Last Action Hero, Scandal, Plenty, The Keep, Priest of Love
Jimmy Yuill:Retreat, Much Ado About Nothing (1993), Wycliffe (TV)
Gerard Horan: The Detectorists (TV), Murder on the Orient Express (2017), Outlander (TV), Beauty & The Beast (2017), Cinderella (2015), Gambit, My Week With Marilyn, Lark Rise to Candleford (TV), The Bank Job, As You Like It (2006), Imagine Me and You, Nicholas Nickleby (2002), Different For Girls, Frankenstein (1994), Immortal Beloved, Much Ado About Nothing (1993), Chicago Joe and The Showgirl, London’s Burning (TV)
Nonso Anozie: Artemis Fowl, 7 Days in Entebbe, Pan, Get Santa, Cinderella (2015), Jack Ryan – Shadow Recruit, Ender’s Game, The Grey, Game of Thrones (TV), Conan The Barbarian (2011), Brighton Rock (2011), Nanny McPhee 2, Rock-N-Rolla, Cass, Happy Go Lucky, Atonement
RISE OF THE ZOMBIE HOOLIGAN FILMS 