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THE GENTLEMEN

by Mark'd Commode

5.5 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 1st January 2020

Director: Guy Ritchie (Aladdin (2019) / King Arthur – Legend of the Sword / The Man From UNCLE / Sherlock Holmes 2 – Game of Shadows / Sherlock Holmes (2009) / Rock-n-Rolla / Revolver / Swept Away / Snatch / Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels)

Cast: Matthew McConaughey, Charlie Hunnam, Michelle Dockery, Henry Golding, Jeremy Strong, Eddie Marsan, TomWu, Bugzy Malone, Samuel West, Geraldine Sumner, Eliot Sumner, Tom Rhys Harries, JasonWong, Danny Griffin, Max Bennett, John Dagleish, McKell David, Christopher Evangelou, Franz Drameh with Colin Farrell and Hugh Grant

Writer: Guy Ritchie

Trailer: THE GENTLEMEN

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT GUY IN BEFORE?

  • Matthew McConaughey: Sing 2 (voice), The Beach Bum, White Boy Rick, Sing (voice), Lost in London, The Dark Tower, The Sea of Trees, Gold, The Free State of Jones, Interstellar, True Detective (TV), The Wolf of Wall Street, The Dallas Buyers’ Club, Mud, The Paperboy, Eastbound & Down (TV), Bernie, Killer Joe, The Lincoln Lawyer, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, Tropic Thunder, Fool’s Gold, We Are Marshall, Failure To Launch, Two For The Money, Sahara, How To Lose a Guy In 10 Days, Reign of Fire, Frailty, The Wedding Planner, U-571, Edtv, The Newton Boys, Amistad, Larger Than Life, A Time To Kill, Lone Star, Boys On The Side, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 4, Angels In The Outfield, Dazed and Confused
  • Charlie Hunnam: True History of the Kelly Gang, A Million Little Pieces, Triple Frontier, Papillon (2019), King Arthur – Legend of the Sword, The Lost City of Z, Crimson Peak, Sons of Anarchy (TV), Pacific Rim, Deadfall, Children of Men, Green Street, Cold Mountain, Nicholas Nickleby, Queer as Folk (TV), Whatever Happened to Harold Smith?
  • Michelle Dockery: Downton Abbey, Godless (TV), The Sense of an Ending, Downton Abbey (TV), Self/Less, Non-Stop, Anna Karenina (2012), Hanna
  • Henry Golding: GI Joe: Snake Eyes, Monsoon, Last Christmas, A Simple Favour, Crazy Rich Asians
  • Jeremy Strong: Molly’s Game, Detroit, The Big Short, Masters of Sex (TV), Black Mass, Selma, The Judge, Parkland, The Good Wife (TV), Zero Dark Thirty, Lincoln, Robot & Frank
  • Eddie Marsan: Ray Donovan (TV), Fast & Furious – Hobbs & Shaw, The Professor & The Madman, Vice, Mowgli – Legend of the Jungle, White Boy Rick, 7 Days In Entebbe, Mark Felt – The Man Who Who Brought Down The White House, Deadpool 2, The Exception, Atomic Blonde, The Limehouse Golem, Their Finest, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell (TV), Concussion, X+Y, Still Life, God’s Pocket, Filth, The World’s End , I Anna, Snow White & The Huntsman, War Horse, Sherlock Holmes 2, Tyrannosaur, Junkhearts, The Disappearance Of Alice Creed, Heartless, London Boulevard, Sherlock Holmes (2009), Hancock, Happy Go Lucky,  Faintheart, The Illusionist (2007), Pierrepoint, Mission Impossible III,  Miami Vice, 21 Grams, The New World, Grown Your Own, Vera Drake, Gangster No.1, Gangs Of New York, The Bunker, Janice Beard 45wpm
  • Tom Wu: Fast & Furious – Hobbs & Shaw, King Arthur – Legend of the Sword, Da Vinci’s Demons (TV), Kick-Ass 2, The Scorpion King 2 – Rise of a Warrior, Mutant Chronicles
  • Samuel West: On Chesil Beach, Darkest Hour, Mr Selfridge (TV), The Frankenstein Chronicles (TV), Suffragette, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell (TV), Hyde Park On The Hudson, Van Helsing, Notting Hill, Stuff Upper Lips, Jane Eyre (1996), Carrington, Persuasion, A Feast At Midnight, Howard’s End, Reunion
  • Geraldine Somerville: Goodbye Christopher Robin, Prime Suspect (TV), The Hippopotamus, Kids in Love, Automata, The Riot Club, Grace of Monaco, My Week With Marilyn, Titanic (TV), Harry Potter – parts 1-8, Sixty Six, Gosford Park, True Blue, Cracker (TV), Haunted (1995)
  • Tom Rhys Harries: Britannia (TV), Slaughterhouse Rulez, Crow, Dragonheart 4 – Battle for the Heart Fire, Hot Property, Jekyll & Hyde (TV), Under Milkwood (TV), Ironclad 2, Hunky Dory
  • Danny Griffin: Surviving Christmas
  • Max Bennett: Poldark (TV), Will (TV), Set Fire To The Thames
  • John Dagleish: All Is True, The Age of Heroes, Lark Rise to Candleford (TV)
  • McKell David: Snatch (TV), Patrick, Damilola, iBoy, Urban Hymn, #Legacy, Montana
  • Franz Drameh: Legends of Tomorrow (TV), The Flash (TV), 100 Streets, #Legacy, Edge Of Tomorrow, Now Is Good, Attack The Block
  • Colin Farrell: Ava, Batman (2020), Dumbo, Widows,  Roman J Israel esq, The Killing of a Sacred Deer, The Beguiled, Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them, The Lobster, Solace, Miss Julie (2015), True Detective (TV), A Winter’s Tale, Saving Mr Banks, Dead Man Down, Seven Psychopaths, Total Recall (2012), Fright Night (2011), Horrible Bosses, The Way Back, London Boulevard, Ondine, The Imaginarium Of Dr Parnassus, In Bruges,  Crazy Heart, Cassandra’s Dream, Miami Vice, The New World, Intermission, Alexander, S.W.A.T., Veronica Guerin, Phone Booth, Daredevil, Minority Report, The Recruit, Hart’s War, Tigerland, The War Zone
  • Hugh Grant: A Very English Scandal (TV), Paddington 2, The Man from UNCLE, Florence Foster Jenkins, The Rewrite, Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists (voice), Cloud Atlas, Did You Hear About The Morgans?, Music and Lyrics, American Dreamz, Bridget Jones 2 – The Edge of Reason, Love Actually, Two Days Notice, About a Boy, Bridget Jones’ Diary, Small Time Crooks, Mickey Blue Eyes, Notting Hill, Extreme Measures, Restoration, Sense and Sensibility, Nine Months, The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain, An Awfully Big Adventure, Sirens, Four Weddings and a Funeral, The Remains Of The Day, Bitter Moon, Impromptu, The Big Man, The Lair Of The White Worm, Maurice, White Mischief

THE GOOD LIAR

by Mark'd Commode

5 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 15th November 2019

Director: Bill Condon (Beauty & The Beast (2017) / Mr Holmes / The Fifth Estate / Twilight: Breaking Dawn 2 / Twilight: Breaking Dawn / Dreamgirls / Kinsey / Gods and Monsters / Candyman 2 – Farewell To The Flesh / Sister Sister)

Cast: Ian McKellen, Helen Mirren, Russell Tovey, Jim Carter, Spike White, Nell Williams, Lucien Msamati, Phil Dunster, Laurie Davidson, Aleksander Jovanovic, Tunji Kasim, Johannes Haukur Johanneson, Michael Culkin and Mark Lewis Jones

Writer: Jeffrey Hatcher / Nicholas Searle

Trailer: THE GOOD LIAR

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Ian McKellen: Cats, All Is True, Beauty & The Beast (2017), Mr Holmes, Vicious (TV), The Hobbit – Battle of the Five Armies, X-Men 4, The Hobbit – The Desolation of Smaug, X-Men: Wolverine 2, The Golden Compass (voice), Flushed Away (voice), Extras (TV), X-Men 3, The Da Vinci Code, Coronation Street (TV), Asylum, The Lord of the Rings – The Return of the King, Emile, X-Men 2, The Lord of the Rings – The Two Towers, The Lord of the Rings – Fellowship of the Ring, X-Men, Apt Pupil, Gods and Monsters, Swept Away, Bent, Restoration, Richard III (1995), Jack & Sarah, The Shadow (1994), To Die For (voice)(1993), Six Degrees of Seperation, And The Band Played On, The Ballad of Little Jo, The Last Action Hero, Scandal, Plenty, The Keep, Priest of Love
  • Helen Mirren: Fast & Furious 9, Fast & The Furious – Hobbs & Shaw, Anna, Berlin I Love You, The Nutcracker and the Four Realms, Winchester, The Leisure Seeker, Fast & The Furious 8, Collateral Beauty, Eye In The Sky, Trumbo, Woman In Gold, The Hundred-Foot Journey, Red 2, Hitchcock, Arthur (2011), Brighton Rock (2011), Red, Legend Of The Guardians – The Owls Of Ga’Hoole (voice), The Tempest (2010), The Debt, The Queen, State Of Play, Inkheart, National Treasure 2, Calendar Girls, Gosford Park, Last Orders, The Pledge, Greenfingers, Teaching Mrs Tingle, Some Mother’s Son, The Madness Of King George III, The Hawk, Where Angels Fear To Tread, The Comfort Of Strangers, The Cook The Thief His Wife and Her Lover, When The Whales Came, Mosquito Coast, Cal, Excalibur, The Long Good Friday, Caligula
  • Russell Tovey: Years and Years (TV), The Hippopotamus, Mindhorn, The Pass, The Lady In The Van, Blackwood, Effie Gray, Pride (2014), Muppets Most Wanted, Grabbers, Tower Block, The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists (voice), Huge, The History Boys, Being Human (TV)
  • Jim Carter: Downton Abbey, Swimming With Men, Transformers 5 -The Last Knight, My Week With Marilyn, Downton Abbey (TV), Cranford (TV), Creation, The Oxford Murders, The Golden Compass, Cassandra’s Dream, Ella Enchanted, 16 Years of Alcohol, Bright Young Things, Heartlands, 102 Dalmatians, The Little Vampire, Shakespeare In Love, Brassed Off, Richard III (1995), The All New Alexei Sayle Show (TV), The Madness of King George III, Cracker (TV), Black Beauty (1994), The Hour of The Pig, Blame It On The Bellboy, The Witches, Erik The Viking, The Rainbow, The Raggedy Rawney, Soursweet, A Month In The Country, Haunted Honeymoon, A Private Function, Top Secret
  • Spike White: Dark Encounter, Swimming With Men, Pudsey The Dog
  • Nell Williams: Blinded By The Light, London Town
  • Lucien Msamati: Gangs of London (TV), His Dark Materials (TV), Taboo (TV), Game of Thrones (TV), Luther (TV), The No.1 Ladies Detective Agency (TV), The International
  • Phil Dunster: Dracula (2020)(TV), Judy, All Is True, Humans (TV), Fall of the Krays, Rise of the Krays
  • Laurie Davidson: Cats, Will (TV)
  • Aleksander Jovanovic: The Titan, The Lost City of Z, Collide
  • Tunji Kasim: Nancy Drew (TV), Shetland (TV)
  • Johannes Haukur Johanneson: Bloodshot, The Sisters Brothers, Alpha, Atomic Blonde, Game of Thrones (TV)
  • Michael Culkin: Holmes & Watson, The Crown (TV), Poldark (TV), Mortdecai, Da Vinci’s Demons (TV), The Fifth Estate, Downton Abbey (TV), Garrow’s Law (TV), Dorian Gray, Nightwatching, Cold and Dark, Being Julia, Relative Values, An Ideal Husband, Our Mutual Friend (TV), The Woodlanders, Lolita, Photographing Fairies, Candyman 2 – Farewell To The Flesh, Immortal Beloved, Candyman
  • Mark Lewis Jones: Rebecca, Gangs of London (TV), Carnival Row (TV), Gwen, Chernobyl (TV),  Hinterland (TV), Apostle, The Machine (2018)(TV), Star Wars – The Last Jedi, Stella (TV), Trespass Against Us, The Lighthouse, Sniper 5 – Legacy,  Just Jim, Child 44, Viking – The Darkest Day

 

GWEN

by Mark'd Commode

6.5 out of 10

Release date: 19th July 2019

Director: William McGregor

Cast: Maxine Peake, Eleanor Worthington-Cox, Jodie Innes, Kobna Holdbrook-Smith, Richard Harrington, Gwion Glyn, Richard Elfyn, Dyfrig Evans and Mark Lewi Jones

Writer: William McGregor

Trailer: GWEN

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This quasi-horror is a dark as night and casts a potent spell over the viewer. However, it amounts to little beyond an exercise in style over content. BUT what style!

Set in Snowdonia in during the Napoleonic wars, a family of women (the man is off in the wars) are being intimidated by the local owners of a nearby quarry.  The men want their small holding and they use extremely evil methods to get their way.  Will the women prevail and is the mother using unsupernatural methods to prevail against them. And what of the eldest daughter, Gwen (ELEANOR WORTHINGTON-COX), what do her visions mean?

The sheer bleakness and human horror of this film make it seem like a horror film but it’s not really. The beautifully realised dreams and visions are well drawn and are complemented by the way the story unfolds. Paranoia is a evoke because conversations are half-heard, whispered or have already finished before the characters reach a scene. It’s an expertly crafted British film that yearns for a slightly meatier story.

It’s deliberate pace my lose some viewers who like faster stories, and the end is as downbeat as they come. What all this amounts to is a very impressive calling card for a young team of filmmakers who could go very far. This one is for fans of The VVitch.

6.5 out of 10 – Stylish, brilliantly executed in all departments. However, the pace flags and the story is very thin.  Keep an eye on these guys, they show a lot of promise.

 

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

GRETA

by Mark'd Commode

7.5 out of 10

Ireland / USA co-production

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 19th April 2019

Director: Neil Jordan (The Borgias (TV) / Byzantium / Ondine / The Brave One / Breakfast On Pluto / The Good Thief / The End Of The Affair / In Dreams / The Butcher’s Boy / Michael Collins / Interview With The Vampire / The Crying Game / The Miracle / We’re No Angels / High Spirits / Mona Lisa / The Company Of Wolves / Angel (1982))

Cast: Isabelle Huppert, Chloe Grace Moretz, Maika Monroe, Colm Feore, Jeff Hiller, Thaddeus Daniels, Jane Perry with Zawe Ashton and Stephen Rea

Writer: Ray Wright and Neil Jordan

Trailer: GRETA

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

  • Isabelle Huppert: Frankie, Happy End, Valley of Love, Elle, Things To Come, Louder Than Bombs, Dead Man Down, Amour, White Material, Hidden Love, I Heart Huckabees, 8 Women, The Piano Teacher, Merci Pour le Chocolat, La Ceremonie, Le seperation, Amateur, Madame Bovary (1991), The Bronte Sisters
  • Chloe Grace Moretz: The Miseducation of Cameron Post, Suspiria, Bad Neighbours 2 – Sorority Rising, The 5th Wave, The Equalizer (2014), If I Stay, Clouds of Sils Maria, Muppets Most Wanted, Laggies, Carrie (2013), Kick Ass 2, 30 Rock (TV), Movie 43, Dark Shadows, Hugo, Texas Killing Fields, Let Me In, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Kick Ass, 500 Days of Summer, Bolt (voice), The Eye (2008), Big Momma’s House 2, The Amityville Horror (2005)
  • Maika Monroe: Independence Day 2 – Resurgence, The 5th Wave, It Follows, The Guest, Labor Day
  • Colm Feore: The Umbrella Academy (TV), House of Cards (TV), The Amazing Spider Man 2, Jack Ryan – Shadow Recruit, The Borgias (TV), Thor, 24 (TV), Changeling, The Exorcism of Emily Rose, Pitch Black 2 – The Chronicles of Riddick, Paycheck, National Security, The Sum of all Fears, Pearl Harbor, Titus, The Red Violin, City of Angels, Face/Off, Nights Fall On Manhattan, 32 Short Films About Glenn Gould, Iron Eagles 2
  • Zawe Ashton: Velvet Buzzsaw, Wanderlust (TV), Guerrilla (TV), Nocturnal Animals, Fresh Meat (TV), Doctor Who (TV), Weekender, Blitz, Dreams of a Life
  • Stephen Rea: Black 47, Dickensian (TV), War & Peace (TV), Out of The Dark, Asylum (2013), Underworld 4 – Awakening, Blackthorn, Roadkill (2015), Ondine, The Heavy, Stuck, The Reaping, Until Death, Sixty Six, V For Vendetta, Tara Road, River Queen, Breakfast On Pluto, The Good Shepherd, Evelyn, Feardotcom, The Musketeer, The End of the Affair, In Dreams, Still Crazy, This Is My Father, The Butcher Boy, Fever Pitch, The Last of the High Kings, Trojan Eddie, A Further Gesture, Michael Collins, All Men Are Mortal, Pret a Porter, Interview With The Vampire, Princess Caraboo, Bad Behaviour, The Crying Game, Life Is Sweet, The Doctor and the Devils, Angel

THE GUARD OF AUSCHWITZ

by Mark'd Commode

3 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 5th May 2019 (DVD premiere)

Director: Terry Lee Coker (Skinned / The Angel of Auschwitz / The Hatton Garden – The Heist / Essex Vendetta)

Cast: Lewis Kirk, Michael McKell, Claudia Grace McKell, Stephen Boxer, Johnny Sachon, Sally George, Paul O’Neill, Steven Bush with Sidney Kean and Noeleen Comiskey

Writer: Terry Lee Coker

Trailer: THE GUARD OF AUSCHWITZ

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

 

THE GATEHOUSE

by Mark'd Commode

1.5 out of 10

Release date: 29th October 2018 (DVD premiere)

Director: Martin Gooch (Death (2014) / The Search for Simon)

Cast: Simeon Willis, Scarlett Rayner, Linal Haft, Melissa Knatchbull, Samantha White, Sarine Sofair, Stephen Boxer, Vanessa Mayfield, Zara Plessard with Hannah Waddingham and Paul Freeman

Writer: Martin Gooch

Trailer: THE GATEHOUSE

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One of the quirkier filmmakers at the no-budget end of the scale is Martin Gooch. Watching his films is refreshing in that they are quite unlike anything else that other less imaginative and less talented director/writers offer us again and again. Martin Gooch’s blend of fantasy, the supernatural, light comedy and bids for sheer horror are noble failures on every front. There’s no denying there’s ambition and a smattering of ability to create these vaguely entertaining films; alas, despite an willingness to forge his own path, he is still a long way from achieving a thoroughly watchable film.

The Gatehouse is his third film and it’s on-par with his other two (see above) which isn’t saying too much I’m afraid.  Plodding along at the speed of a dead goat, the quirky mixes with the bizarre and this ever so polite fantasy ends up sending viewers into a most pleasant slumber rather than achieving its plan to thrill and scare. A widower played by newcomer Simeon Willis (ARCADIA) is bringing up his spirited and feisty daughter Infinity (SCARLETT RAYNER) in a weird old gatehouse lodge in the English countryside. One day she digs up something in the local woods which unleashes an entity that looks like Herne The Hunter who is charged with keeping the trees and nature in the area safe from harm against humans. But now it seems the beast is abducting people – why? Who cares?  The main characters don’t seem that bothered and potter about for an hour, half concocting spells and solving the mystery at the same pace as animals with senile dementia would. It’s all verygenteel to, like Rentaghost / Jonathan Creek apart from a weird scene where Simeon Willis cuts off Infinity’s fingers with scissors. Paul Freeman (INDIANA JONES AND THE RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK) turns in a bizarre cameo as a wheelchair bound wizard, and the familiar Linal Haft turns in a sinister performance as a weird landowner with secrets. Scarlett Rayner’s precocious turn is just annoying, although she can act, and she’s supported by a range of stiffs from Martin Gooch’s rep squad of am-drammers who couldn’t act their way out of a Lidl commercial. Who is all this meant to appeal to?

With a desire to take some risks, Martin Gooch’s films are at least unique in many ways, it’s a shame that he’s really out of touch with what audiences want. What type of film is this? I’ve come to the conclusion that it is a weird blend of The Good Life and Pan’s Labyrinth and that’s best I can come up with. If this draws you in, then you’ve got personal problems.

Competently shot, the script is rotten, it’s just tin-earred and not at all like normal people talk or conversation flows – although it does have some interesting lines and smarts at time. Like his other films, Gooch had made 90 minutes feel like a plod. At least he’s chosen to give the acting to others including the odd ‘real’ actor this time – however, he pops up for a post-credit sting. Are we supposed to know who he is with this odd cameo as himself?

1.5 out of 10 – I’m not mad at Martin Gooch as he’s creative and obviously tries hard to put an individual stamp on his work. He needs to work on his writing and on getting better performances out of this ‘game’ casts though. The Gatehouse is, ultimately, out of touch, unfrightening, daft, old hat and a bit boring – which given the bags of ideas he has make this a frustrating film to watch.

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

GLOVES OFF

by Mark'd Commode

4 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 1st October 2018 (DVD premiere)

Director: Steven Nesbit (North V South)

Cast: Brad Moore, Denise Van Outen, Paul Barber, Laurie Kynaston, Greg Orvis, Matt Barber, Adam Fogerty, Gary Cargill, Kab Silva, Sally Dexter, Tom Craine, Chris Aylmer, Joe Egan, Sydney Wade, Andy Calderwood and Alexei Sayle with Alan Ford and Ricky Tomlinson

Writer: Steven Nesbit & Brad Moore

Trailer: GLOVES OFF

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

GENESIS

by Mark'd Commode

5 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 15th July 2018 (DVD premiere)

Director: Freddie Hutton-Mills & Bart Rispoli (Cryptic / World War Dead)

Cast: Olivia Grant, Ed Stoppard, Chike Okonkwo, Paul Nicholls, Amrita Acharia, Rick Warden, Wendy Glenn, Ben Shafik, Liam Ainsworth, Philip Barantini, Stefano Braschi, Samuel Anderson, Robert Boulter, William Snape, Jack Healy, Francesca Cherrault with John Hannah and Warren Brown

Writer: Freddie Hutton-Mills & Bart Rispoli 

Trailer: GENESIS

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

GANGLAND REVENGE

by Mark'd Commode

3.5 out of 10

REVIEW COMING SOON

Release date: 28th June 2017 (DVD premiere)

Director: Glen Kirby (Off-Piste)

Cast: Matthew Jure, Ian Beattie, Thomas Beatty, Elle McAlpine, Mark Crook, Grace Calder, Paul McGuinness, Alan Calton,  Adi Alfa, Sam Wilkinson and Tony Fadil

Writer: Glen Kirby

Trailer: GANGLAND REVENGE

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?

GUARDIANS

by Mark'd Commode

1 out of 10

Release date: 8th June 2018

Director: Mark AC Brown

Cast: Matt Prendergast, David Whitney, Mike Shephard, Victoria Johnston, Chris Spyrides, Eddie Arnold, Tim Barrow, Fiona McGee with Arin Allridge and Hattie Hayridge

Writer: Mark AC Brown

Trailer: GUARDIANS

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I’m not really sure how to take this ‘comedy’.  It could be that humour has evolved and comedies don’t have to be funny, or even make sense these days, and if that’s the case then maybe I have some homework to do. On the other hand it could just be that  Guardians is yet another ‘homemade’ horse apple.  It’s a shame because ‘home made’ usually conjures up nice images of jam and cakes and pies. But in the case of British films, it generally means that somebody has done a fat shit in the oven and that the film bakers are proud to give you a slice. They’ll even be so pleased with themselves that they’ll even take a big bite out it themselves – so oblivious to the fact that their ‘homemade’ bum cake is in fact cack that no-one in their right mind would want to eat. I know of a few filmmakers like this.  With all that said,  welcome to Guardians which appeared at my local cinema out of the blue. I’ve know idea how it came to be exhibited either. Just one of life’s unexplained mysteries. I was the only one there too, so was it all a dream?

Two guardians are employed to live in a house in South London to stop it being burgled. Apparently its a ‘thing’ that some people do. Live somewhere for free just to make a place look lived in and to prevent it from becoming a squat. Matt Prendergast’s droll northener is reeling from a break up and he’s teamed up with an aristocratic twat, played by David Whitney (ALLIES).  The letting agent also arranges sex parties for high profile MPs with the latter’s help. The house they two are minding maybe cursed and haunted by the ghost of an old lady and there may be treasure hidden in the basement. A confusing string of events happen, none of them funny or interesting, canter past with the grace of mountain hippo culminating in them getting heisted by three sweary, swivel eyed goons. Then it all gets resolved when everybody teams up and makes friends because its home time.

The whole thing is like an amateur theatre production of Noises Off as imagined by untalented piss artists and failed civil servants. It’s confusing, half cooked and unfunny. And weirdly smug about it too. I think the makers think that they’re the next comedy troupe ala Monty Python, League of Gentlemen etc. but they really aren’t. It’s a shame as the makers clearly set out to try something different from the student non-horrors/hooligangster/granny’s on holiday/gay biopics that the UK film industry pop out in the droves. It’s all for nothing though as it falls flat on its unfunny face and ends up being a pretty excruciating watch.

1 out of 10 – A weird experiment in unfunny comedy which would probably only appeal to the immediate family of those concerned in the making of this butt fruit souffle.

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?