Cast: Jean-Paul Ly, Rosanna Hoult, Doug Allen, Nicky Evans, Adam McNab, Richard Sandling, Nicholas Aaron, Kaitlyn Riordan, Mica Proctor, Karanja Yorke, Hung Dante Dong, Marcus Shakesheff, Richard Corgan, Craig Russell, Phil Deguara, Daisy Aitkens, James Groom and Ben Shafik with Philip Barantini and Wendy Glenn
Anybody that saw stand-up comedian Ross Noble’s film debut Stitcheswill definitely want to see his follow up in this ‘by-the-numbers’ horror-ghost story. Sadly, as great as he is Nails squanders a good premise in favour of a box of well-trodden cliches and extremely bad SFX. Great acting from all the principles makes this watchable to the end, but little else will keep you glued.
Shauna Macdonald (THE DESCENT) is confined to a hospital bed after being hit by a car whilst out jogging. Whilst recuperating in a spooky old hospital at the edge of town, she finds herself the target of a restless poltergeist of a former childkiller who was known as Nails (RICHARD FOSTER-KING). Most of the staff put it down to drugs, stress and a lack of sleep, but one orderly played by Ross Noble thinks there’s more to her extreme discomfort when even her own husband (STEVE WALL – VIKINGS) doesn’t give her any support.
The film, Nails, makes the fatal error of revealing its big bad very early on in the game, so the tension levels are reduced. The occasional set-piece works well too, like the neighbour knocking on the wall, who is blatantly the ghost. This works well because the character is still finding her way through the mystery when this happens, so she isn’t aware of the peril she’s in. It’s logical for her to think that it’s a patient that can’t speak. Yet we’re aware of the danger of course because we’re watching a horror flick called Nails. Shauna’s speak and spell keyboard is an interesting addition, as the toneless computer voice doesn’t bely the fear the of our protagonist. It’s an interesting device to distance the victim from the menace. Other aspects like the spooky cupboard in the ward, and the hidden decrepitude of the building itself really work. It’s a shame that the special effects aka Nails just don’t work. It would have been far more effective if Nails was a real-flesh and blood actor in make up. The failure of the SFX highlights the fact that this is a film and you’re never convinced that this bogeyman is anything more than smoke and light – badly drawn. If your SFX are cheap then hide them in the shadows, but the maker’s are obviously proud of their work because he’s out and about really early on. Shame.
Ross Noble is a fine actor and demonstrates here that Stitches was no one-off, although this role is pure character rather than the clownish caricature he portrayed to hilarious effect in the former. He’s nicely matched by Shauna Macdonald and the unknown (to me) Irish cast. So as a result Nails is nowhere near the worst horror film you’ll see, it just could have been so much better and that’s largely down to the illusion-breaking use of bad SFX. Sorry, but these nails aren’t for the bitiing.
3 out of 10 – Fans of Ross Noble will be interested in seeing him tackle a real role. However, good performances aside, a dumb plot and an unscary bogeyman scupper this horror very early on and it never recovers.
Review below by Matt Usher aka ‘SNails’
Following a traffic accident, Dana (Shauna Macdonald), a sport-loving wife and mum (I’m sure she has other characteristics but that’s all we can glean from the first couple of minutes) winds up in a creepy hospital unable to speak, almost entirely paralysed, and breathing only with the aid of a machine. She’s in a bad way. Things get worse when a nightmare-ghost-creature-thing emerges from the shadows (actually a cupboard) and starts to terrorise her, which leads to the disintegration of Dana’s sanity, the collapse of her family, and, ultimately, this being a horror film, a trail of corpses.
What is the thing in the shadows/cupboard? And why does it strike now? The first question is answered ludicrously early on, and the second can quickly be worked out by anyone who was paying attention to our heroine’s medical history.
NAILS is as straightforward as a horror film can be. If TV did regular one-off horrors they’d be like this. There’s a bit of an attempt at idiosyncrasy with the mention of a villain collecting little girls’ nail clippings, but even that feels more like window dressing rather than being utterly essential to the character and theme of the culprit, like something a psychopath from Silent Witness/Strike/Luther/Shetland/whatever* might do to give the cops a bit more to chew on, as it were.
Like many horror films NAILS seems to want to be both serious (about the immense traumas associated with illness/disability) and a chew-em-up monster movie. It pretty much fails in both attempts. What’s a shame is that the film-makers set up a potentially interesting challenge: how can someone deprived of everything (even their own breath) fight back? But the solution is: well, sometimes Dana can move quite a bit and she can communicate via a speak-and-spell-type machine, not that anybody pays any attention to her. (Again a good idea – someone being ignored because she’s lost her physical voice – goes for little.) What no character seems to comment on is how good the hospital actually is, despite it being portrayed as a crumbling understaffed relic. With little help apart from the occasional bed-bath courtesy of an under-used Ross Noble, Dana swiftly recovers the use of her voice (but only when the plot requires her to do so), and is clearly a fantastic typist as the speak-and-spell-machine-thing is spot on at predicting what she’s trying to say (or maybe that means the character is quite incredibly dully predictable). She’s also a great googler, who on her first internet investigation solves the case almost immediately.
Another thing that the film hints at (though I’m probably being a bit generous here) is how people undergoing terrible life-changing events end up isolated even from their own families. A promising idea, unfortunately the film deals with this by introducing a slightly dotty subplot which sees Dana’s barely one-dimensional husband getting a new girlfriend. I think the film was trying to find a way of making this ambiguous – is Dana imagining it? – but the film fails miserably. If it’s meant to be ambiguous (which surely should have been the case), then nobody told the director. But ambiguity is the film’s big failure. Is our heroine imagining the scary beast in the cupboard? No. Do the hospital bosses (well, boss) know what’s going on? Yes. Is the husband’s new friend just a family friend or girlfriend? Girlfriend. Could Dana be mistaken about the identity and backstory of the film’s villain? No. Is the mysterious psychologist real or imagined? Real. Is he really the cause of all the trouble? No. (True, there’s the barest hint of a further story here but it gets sidestepped.)
The big twist is that there is no twist. Dana works out the nature of the beast so early on that any half-seasoned viewer will be confidently awaiting the arrival of a significant rug-pull, but no, it turns out that the killer is indeed the killer who it seemed to be all along (unless the film-makers really messed up the reveal which is quite possible).
Poor Shauna Macdonald, she really gets put through the mill in this, and all to no avail and no reward. I can understand the attraction: a tough, gritty role with lots of acting challenges mitigated by the fact that she gets to spend most of the film in bed and most of her dialogue is spoken by a computer. There’s lots of anti-adversity acting for her to do, and struggling against physical handicaps, and lots of bruise make-up and gore getting chucked at her and I can absolutely see why this would have been an appealingly tough role. But is it worth it? At best this might have made a half-decent moderately scary film which might appeal to people who don’t usually like scary films. Alas, this film is not the best it could have been. Instead it’s a basically competent, uninspiring, fairly obvious amble through a few familiar tropes and clichés, and any of the themes the film might have explored (see above) are, at best, relegated to the cutting room floor. True, Macdonald is very good, Ross Noble is decent enough in a bit of a non-role (he’s a nurse who almost has a dark secret), Leah McNamara (as a feisty daughter®) is good, Steve Wall (useless husband®) looks like he wants to be somewhere else, and the less said about most of the rest of the hospital staff the better.
It’s a strangely tired film, which seems to miss all its targets and which struggles to build up any tension. The old rambling hospital should be a creepy, claustrophobic location, but comes across merely as drab. The beast is revealed far too early and isn’t worth showcasing quite so blatantly. Mind you, there are moments of truth. One character, realising there’s something nasty in a hole in the wall, does exactly what I’d do: he bungs something heavy in front of the hole. It’s a half-hearted gesture which serves as a handy metaphor for a strangely half-hearted film.
* I don’t watch any of them, and therefore apologise if any of them don’t have weirdo psycho-killers slaughtering little girls.
WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?
Shauna Macdonald: The White Chamber, Danger Mouse (TV)(voice), Swung, Howl (2015), Filth, The Hike, The Descent 2, Mutant Chronicles, The Descent, Spooks (TV), Late Night Shopping, The Debt Collector
Ross Noble: The Clan McLeod, Ross Noble – Freewheeling (TV), Ross Noble – Mindblender (TV), Stitches, Ross Noble – Nonsensory Overload (TV), Ross Noble – Fizzy Logic (TV), Ross Noble – Sonic Waffle (TV)
Cast: Angela Dixon, Nigel Whitmey, Velibor Topic, Heather Peace, Rami Nasr, Sarah Perles, Samantha Bolter, Michael Xavier, Sanita Sims with Glenn Salvage and Lisa Eichorn
After delivering two very competent international zombie movies (The Dead 1 & 2) on a shoe-string budget, the Ford Brothers venture to North Africa to do a female remake of Taken (or anyother number of straight-to-video clunkers of the 2000s).
Never Let Go stars Angela Dixon (OFFENSIVE) (unknown to me) as an American special-forces operative to takes her baby on holiday to Morocco. The father of the child is a married US Senator and is a very busy man (possibly evil). Anyway, the baby is kidnapped by some East Europeans; Velibor Topic (THE SMOKE) and Joe Pesci II’s fave, Glenn Salvage (THE SILENCER) – yes, The Silencer himself! Ms Dixon will stop at nothing to recover her kid. Police, holidaymakers, men with stubble beware – she’ll bellow, “My DAUGHTER, WHERE IS SHE!” in their face. She pistol whips pigeons, dogs, people, children, everybody who stands in her way. The film is relentless, predictable and fast paced. Where Never Let Go succeeds is its committment to being a good ‘meat and two veg’ bog standard action film. Compare this to Neil Jones‘ dog shit Age of Killand immediately the contrasts are obvious. The Ford Brothers don’t execute their action scenes with a heavy heart or with ill-preperation. At times this feels like a top-notch actioner we may have seen Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock starring in 15 years ago. Times have changed though and it’s all old hat, as good as the finished product may be. It’s too late in the day for a film like this to offer anything new. The Fords came up with some ingenius twists to the well-trodden, sad zombie genre, so I was hoping for something fresh here. Sadly, it’s a half-baked script and a repetitve story on offer. Shame really because I was looking forward to a third outing in The Deadseries. Instead, we got this. Something no one was looking for, except for Joe Pesci II who got to see Glenn Salvage do his thing for the first time in years.
4.5 out of 10 – Not bad, but it’s nothing new. Tried and tested ground but it does have some great action sequences.
Review by Joe Pesci II aka Matt Usher (Never Stop Tugging) below
Cast: Deirdre O’Kane, Sarah Greene, Liam Cunningham, Brendan Coyle, Ruth Negga, Nhu Quyn Nguyen Linh, Mark Huberman, Kinh Quoc, Le Ngoc Tu’o’ng, Dat Khou Nguyen Tien, Gloria Cramer Curtis, David Mumeni and Pauline McLynn
Writer: Stephen Bradley
Trailer: NOBLE
Now I want to make it clear, I love Ireland, I love Irish people, but I don’t like Irish films like Noble that are so Irish you feel like your going to die of Guinness poisoning with the cliched catawalling of Danny Boy is wringing in your ears as the roads rise to meet you and the wind is at your craic. My god this film is soooooo Irish yet most of it is set in Vietnam, I know. How ‘Irish’ is that? It’s like the old Irish jokes we used to tell in the playground in the 1980s. Did you hear about the most Irishy movie ever made? They made it in Vietnam. Gurgle, gurgle….
Anyway Noble is based on the true-story of one Christina Noble, an average sort of girl from a torn family who got it into her head after seeing footage on the TV about the Vietnam War that she wanted to go on a mission from god to devote her life to caring for street children. And unended spectacularly unaverage… unlike the film. Average, average. AVERAGE!!! It would scream mediocre if averages ‘things’ actually screamed.
The film is split into present day and the past. We have a child Christina (GLORIA CRAMER CURTIS) who is all dark curls and Irish cute who bursts into song at the drop of a blarney stone, mainly Danny Boy. Her Da’ (LIAM CUNNINGHAM – LET US PREY) isn’t a bad sort, just an unreliable alcoholic who does a bunk leaving Noble to grow up with nuns lead by a tough Pauline McLynn (FATHER TED) doing a grand impression of Mrs Doyle from Father Ted dresssed as a nun. She grows into Sarah Greene (STANDBY) who moves to the UK, marries a horrible Turk and then turns into Deirdre O’Kane (KILLING BONO) who does the Vietnam bit of the tale. Angela’s Ashes this isn’t but it has a bloody good try at wringing every last cliche out of the Irish film playbook.
Battling odds you know she’s going to rocket past unhindered because of her cheeky Irish minx ways, you know you’re onto a film which plays it safe for audiences who like to know the plot of films before they watch them. The acting is fine across the board and the Vietnamese cast thoroughly match the Irish / English gang. As if to highlight the problems facing street kids and a few clunky side plots are welded into the story with scripted lines written in marker pen. Mainly, we have the friend-cum-secret-paedophile revealed near the end to put some snakes in the film’s boots but it ends up playing like a deleted scene from Eldorado. And is handled in an utterly cackhanded way.
Brendan Coyle (DOWNTON ABBEY) plays a generous business man / romantic potential but ultimately he’s defeated by this O’Kane’s cartoon cut-out do-gooder with a monotonous ‘vehicle reversing’ remix on a Dublin accent. I’d have read a book or watched a TV documentary with interest, this sort of film might fly on the Hallmark channel or at village halls in the Cotswolds but on the whole this sort of film shouldn’t need to be made anymore. There are enough quality feature length documentaries being made these days without having to endure such a laboured plod of a life-story like Noble.
4 out of 10 – Noble by name, Noble by nature. The film doesn’t do her life mission justice as it’s just made to look like unimaginative and self-serving. Sleep well. It’s all a bit too boring to do its bold subject any favours.
Liam Cunningham: Game of Thrones (TV), 24 Hours To Live, Electric Dreams (TV), Childhood of a Leader, Let Us Prey, Doctor Who (TV), The Numbers Station, Good Vibrations, Safe House, War Horse, The Guard, Clash Of The Titans (2010), Harry Brown, Perrier’s Bounty, The Tournament, Centurion, Blood- The Last Vampire, The Mummy 3 – The Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, Hunger, The Escapist, The Wind That Shakes The Barley, The League Of Gentleman’s Apocalypse, Dog Soldiers, Jude, War Of The Buttons, A Little Princess, First Knight
Brendan Coyle: Downton Abbey, Mary Queen of Scots (2019), Me Before You, Downton Abbey (TV), The Raven, Lark To Candelford Rise (TV), Perrier’s Bounty
Ruth Negga: Ad Astra, Preacher (TV), Loving, Agents of SHIELD (TV), Warcraft – The Beginning, Iona, Jimi – All Is By My Side, Misfits (TV), Isolation, Breakfast On Pluto
Mark Huberman:A Dark Song, Boy Eats Girl, Band of Brothers (TV)
Pauline McLynn: Making Noise Quietly, Johnny English 3 – Strikes Again, The Secret Scripture, Noble, Eastenders (TV), Shameless (TV), Heidi (2005), Gypo, Iris, An Everlasting Piece, The Most Fertile Man In Ireland, When Brendan Met Trudy, Quills, Nora, Angela’s Ashes, Father Ted (TV)
Cian Barry: Dr Foster (TV), Doctors (TV), Holy Water
Fiona O’Shaughnessy: Utopia (TV), Nightwatching, Until Death
David Troughton:The Levelling, ChickLit, The Interceptor (TV), New Tricks (TV), Casualty 1909 (TV), Casualty 1907 (TV), Captain Jack, Bonjour la Classe (TV), The Chain, Wings (TV), David Copperfield (1975)(TV), Dr Who (TV)
Cast: Steven Berkoff, Bernard Hill, Elliott Tittensor, Brad Moore, Geoff Bell, Oliver Cotton, Charlotte Hope, Freema Agyeman, Gary Cargill, Sydney Wade, Dom Monot with Keith Allen, Steve Evets and Greta Scacchi
The makers of North V South have bothered to conjure a half-decent plot of sorts. It’s a shame then that despite the prescence of some reliable actors, there’s no flare or energy expended here. It’s mainly notable for seeing Steven Berkoff(RED 2) in a rare leading role. As Britpic fans will have noticed, he’s been delivering a string of cameos to low-budget filmmakers for some time now. So it’s good to see him earn his money with extended screen time.
The top firm from North meets up with their opposite number from the South. At the meeting, loose cannon from the South, Gary Little (BRAD MOORE – MONTANA) murders John Claridge’s (BERNARD HILL – DOUBLE X) best mate which kicks off a war of paranoia. The two teams line up as Berkoff, Keith Allen (SHALLOW GRAVE), Geoff Bell (THE BUSINESS) and Moore. From the North there’s Hill, Oliver Cotton (THE DANCER UPSTAIRS), Freema Ageyam (DR WHO) and Elliott Tittensor (SHAMELESS). Little does anybody know, that somehow and quite randomly, the latter is seeing Vic’s (Berkoff) daughter (CHARLOTTE HOPE – I MISS YOU ALREADY). The lovers are working on borrowed time because Brad Moore has discovered their secret. So the tribes go to war in slow motion.
Acting aside, with a particularly good turn from Keith Allen and a reasonably well though out plot, this fails to live up to its promise. With the actors the filmmakers have managed to draw in you’d expect to see a war in progress. But beyond the front line of top men, there’s little evidence of a criminal empire to control. The sub-plot involving the young lovers is a bit insipid too. Elliott Tittensor is miscast as a ‘mob’ enforcer as he’s too small, neat and polite to convince anybody that he could rough them up if they were light that week on paying protection money. Brad Moore is introduced in the credits but we already know him from Montana and The Search For Simon. He is way over the top here and has definitely picked wrong role to showcase his skills as he’s way better in the two aforementioned films.
The plot also includes a child assassin who doubles as a waitress for Bernard Hill. Freema Agyeman is largely wasted in her first film role as a female mob enforcer who’s made to babysit the kid. Oliver Cotton is underused too, so this is largely Berkoff, Tits and Moore’s show. The lack of budget doesn’t help or convince. So we’re left with a floppy, foul-mouthed piece which seems to think a dose of cartoon-violence will save its bacon. An extra dopey duel-narration from the lovers tops up the quota of bad ideas, exposing many of the film’s script weaknesses.
3.5 out of 10 – Straight-forward yet underpowered gangster film with a solid cast. It’s a shame some of these actors couldn’t have been assembled for a better film.
Second review by Joe Pesci II below. He’s a real gangster you know…
Bernard Hill: Wolf Hall (TV), Outpost 11, The Kid (2010), Valkyrie, Franklyn, Joy Division, The League Of Gentleman’s Apocalypse, Wimbledon, Lord Of The Rings – Return Of The King, Lord of the Rings – The Two Towers, The Scorpion King, Going Off Big Time, The Loss Of Sexual Innocence, True Crime, Titanic (1998), The Ghost and The Darkness, Madagascar Skin, Double X, Mountains Of The Moon, Shirley Valentine, Drowning By Numbers, No Surrender, The Chain, The Bounty, Gandhi, Boys From The Black Stuff (TV)
Oliver Cotton:Gangs of Tooting Beck, Shanghai Knights, The Dancer Upstairs, The Innocent Sleep, Son of the Pink Panther, Christopher Columbus – The Discovery, The Sicilian, Firefox
Charlotte Hope: Miss You Already, Game of Thrones (TV)
Freema Agyeman: Eat Local, Old Jack’s Boat (TV), Law & Order UK (TV), Dr Who (TV), Little Dorrit (TV), Torchwood (TV)
Gary Cargill: Gloves Off, Hollyoaks (TV), Mersey Beat (TV)
Keith Allen: Hector, Blood Shot, The Last Showing, Vinyl,The Magnificent Eleven, The Good Night, De-Lovely, 24 Hour Party People, The Others, Rancid Aluminium, Preaching To The Perverted, Twin Town, Trainspotting, Loch Ness, Blue Juice, Shallow Grave, Second Best, Captives, Beyond Bedlam, The Young Americans. The Comic Strip (TV), Carry On Columbus, Rebecca’s Daughters, Kafka, Making Out (TV), Chicago Joe & The Showgirl, Scandal, The Supergrass
Greta Scacchi: The Falling, Brideshead Revisited (2008), Shoot On Sight, Flightplan, Beyond The Sea, Cotton Mary, Tom’s Midnight Garden, The Red Violin, The Serpent’s Kiss, Emma (1996), Cosi, Jefferson In Paris, Country Life, The Browning Version (1994), Salt On Our Skin, The Player, Turtle Beach, Shattered, Presumed Innocent, White Mischief, Defence of the Realm, The Coca-Cola Kid, Heat and Dust
Cast: Martin Clunes, Marc Wootton, Catherine Tate, Adam Garcia, Lauren Hobbs, Ralf Little, Susie Blake, Duncan Preston, Simon Lipkin, Stewart Wright with Jason Watkins and Celia Imrie
Martin Clunes: Doc Martin (TV), Reggie Perrin (TV), William and Mary (TV), The Booze Cruise, Saving Grace, Men Behaving Badly (TV), Shakespeare In Love, The Acid House, The Revenger’s Comedies, Harry Enfield & Chums (TV), Staggered, An Evening With Gary Lineker, Demob (TV), Swing Kids, Harry Enfield’s Television Programme (TV), Carry On Columbus, Jeeves & Wooster (TV), The Russia House, No Place Like Home (TV), Dr Who (TV)
Marc Wootton: The Bad Education Movie, The Harry Hill Movie, Nativity 2, Arthur Christmas (voice), Nativity!, Frequently Asked Questions About Time Travel, Confetti
Catherine Tate: Superbob, The Office (TV), Monte Carlo, Gulliver’s Travels, Dr Who (TV), The Catherine Tate Show (TV), Mrs Ratcliffe’s Revolution, Scenes of a Sexual Nature, Starter For Ten, Sixty Six, Big Train (TV), The Harry Hill Show (TV)
Adam Garcia: Party Pieces, Flight of the Conchords (TV), Love Confessions of Teenage Drama Queen, Kangaroo Jack (voice), Riding In Cars With Boys, Coyote Ugly
Ralf Little: The Unbeatables (voice), Powder (2011), The Waiting Room, Telstar, Two Pints of Lager and a Packet Of Crisps (TV), 24 Hour Party People, The Royle Family (TV)
Susie Blake: Coronation Street (TV), Mrs Brown’s Boys (TV), Singles (TV), Russ Abbott’s Madhouse (TV), Born and Bred (TV)
Duncan Preston: Emmerdale (TV), Howl (2015), Dragonheart 3, Five Children and It, Coronation Street (TV), Dinner Ladies (TV), Surgical Spirit (TV), The Harry Enfield Show (TV), Gentry
Stewart Wright: Doc Martin (TV)
Jason Watkins: W1A (TV), Dr Who (TV), Psychoville (TV), Being Human (TV), Nativity 2, Little Dorrit (2008) (TV), Nativity!, Wild Child (2008), Sixty Six, Confetti, Bridget Jones 2, Circus, Onegin, High Hopes
Celia Imrie: Second Best Marigold Hotel, What We Did On Our Holiday, The Love Punch, Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, St Trinians 2, Nanny McPhee, St Trinians, Imagine Me & You, Wah-Wah, Bridget Jones 2, Wimbledon, Calendar Girls, Heartlands, Thunderpants, Bridget Jones, Lucky Break, Gormenghast (TV), Dinner Ladies (TV), Star Wars – The Phantom Menace, Hilary & Jackie, The Borrowers (1997), In The Bleak Midwinter, Frankenstein (1994)
Joanna Page: Dream Horse, Gavin and Stacey (TV), Breathless (TV), Doctor Who – Day of the Doctor, Love Actually, Very Annie Mary
Jason Watkins: W1A (TV), The Crown (TV), The Man Who Killed Don Quixote, Trollied (TV), Watership Down (TV)(voice), A Very English Scandal (TV), The Children Act, Hampstead, Taboo (TV), Doctor Who (TV), Nativity 3 -Dude Where’s My Donkey?, Psychoville (TV), Being Human (TV), Little Dorrit (2008) (TV), Nativity!, Wild Child (2008), Sixty Six, Confetti, Bridget Jones 2, Circus, Onegin, High Hopes
Ian McNeice: Doc Martin (TV), The Man Who Invented Christmas, Doctor Who (TV), Valkyrie, Day of the Dead (2008), Rome (TV), The Black Dahlia, Oliver Twist (2005), The Hitchiker’s Guide To The Galaxy (voice), White Noise, Bridget Jones 2, Around The World In 80 Days, Freeze Frame, Blackball, From Hell, Town & Country, A Life Less Ordinary, Ace Ventura 2, The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain, funny Bones, No Escape (1994), Secret Friends, The Russia House, 1871, Valmont, The Raggedy Rawney, Whoops! Apocalypse, 84 Charing Cross Road, Personal Services, Top Secret
Rose Cavaliero:The Children Act, A Young Doctor’s Notebook (TV), Jane Eyre (2011), Nativity!, Little Dorrit (2008) (TV), Saxondale (TV), Cold Feet (TV)
Pam Ferris:Tolkien, Holmes & Watson, Ethel & Ernest (voice), Call The Midwife (TV), Saving Santa (voice), The Raven, Luther (TV), Malice In Wonderland, Telstar, Nativity!, Children Of Men, Rosemary & Thyme (TV), Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkhaban, Death To Smoochy, Matilda, The Darling Buds of May (TV), Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit, Meantime
Jessica Hynes: Seagull, Years and Years (TV), Nativity 4 – Rocks!, Paddington 2, W1A (TV), The Fight (dir), Bridget Jones 3 – Bridget Jones’ Baby, W1A (TV), Swallows and Amazons (2016), Pudsey The Dog, Chalet Girl, Burke and Hare, Faintheart, Magicians, Son Of Rambow, Confetti, Bridget Jones 2 – The Edge of Reason, Pure, Spaced (TV), Born Romantic, Staying Alive (TV)
Cast: Martin Freeman, Pam Ferris, Marc Wootton, Jason Watkins, Alan Carr, Rose Cavaliero, John Sessions, Phyllis Logan, Clarke Peters, Geoffrey Hutchings, Matt Rippy with Ricky Tomlinson and Ashley Jensen
I’ve been putting off watching Debbie Isitt’s Nativity! for so long that it’s spawned two sequels. The director was previously known for semi-improvised / workshopped comedies Confetti and Bad Neighbours. Now she’ll be forever known as making a string of tepid comedies to wind up TV viewers almost annually.
The first Nativity!, set in Coventry, sees glum school teacher Mr Maddens (MARTIN FREEMAN – SHERLOCK) pit his team up against a formidable private school to stage the city’s best nativity play. He’s egged on by his class, and his manic new classroom assistant, Mr Poppy (MARC WOOTTON – NATIVITY 2) when they overhear a lie about him inviting a Hollywood producer to see them perform. He’s really only off-setting a boastful rant by arch-rival and old Uni pal, Mr Shakespeare (JASON WATKINS – NATIVITY 3) who is now the dramaa teacher at the private school. But the lie snowballs, until its so big there’s no going back. Saly Mr Maddens only knows one person in Hollywood and that’s his estranged ex-fiancee, Jennifer (ASHLEY JENSEN – THE LOBSTER).
There’s much to be said for being a childless adult, I’ve never had to go to any children’s nativity plays. This was fate’s way of making me sorry. As the film features said nativity performed from beginning to end without a pause at Coventry‘s old Cathedral.
The film is rescued by its supporting players, as Martin Freeman appears to be playing well within his stunted range. Glum and sarcastic, are like forwards and backwards to him. There should be more gears at an actor’s disposal but he’s not at all pushed to bring anything new to his role here. Marc Wootton, Jason Watkins and Pam Ferris (MATHILDA) win smiles and laughs left right and centre and it’s a relief that they all return for the shambolic second film.
Debbie Isitt’s plot revolves around last minute saves and redemption, as it’s a Christmas movie. It’s not all that soppy considering but it’s a disappointment to see such a promising film director play things so safe. She at least recognises where this first film’s strengths lie and thats in the cast lower down the pay-scale and they all return for the following film(s). The children are OK, if a touch wooden and they thoroughly get sidelined in the next installments as the adults potter about getting bitten by donkeys or pushed into rivers.
3.5 out of 10 – A least Nativity! feels Chrissmassy, but its not the laughter fest it could have been and it’s definitely one to be avoid if Martin Freeman’s stock ‘act’ irritates you.
SECOND REVIEW BY MATIVITY! Usher below.
WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT ACTOR IN BEFORE?
Martin Freeman: Fun House, Captain America 3, Fargo (TV), Sherlock (TV), The Hobbit – There and Back Again, The Hobbit – The Desolation of Smaug, Svengali, Saving Santa (voice), The World’s End, The Hobbit – An Unexpected Journey, The Pirates In An Adventure With Scientists (voice), What’s Your Number?, Swinging With The Finkels, The Good Night,Wild Target (2010), Nightwatching, Breaking and Entering, Hot Fuzz, The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy (2006), Love Actually, Confetti, The Low Down, Ali G In Da House, The Office (TV)
Pam Ferris: Call The Midwife (TV), Saving Santa (voice), Nativity 2, The Raven, Luther (TV), Malice In Wonderland, Telstar, Children Of Men, Rosemary & Thyme (TV), Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkhaban, Death To Smoochy, Matilda, The Darling Buds of May (TV), Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit, Meantime
Jason Watkins: W1A (TV), Call The Midwife (TV), Nativity 3, Dr Who (TV), Nativity 2, Psychoville (TV), Being Human (TV), Little Dorrit (2008) (TV), Wild Child (2008), Sixty Six, Confetti, Bridget Jones 2, Circus, Onegin, High Hopes
Alan Carr: Alan Carr – Chatty Man (TV), The Sunday Night Project (TV), The Friday Night Project (TV), The One Show (TV), Loose Women (TV)
Rose Cavaliero: A Young Doctor’s Notebook (TV), Nativity 2, Jane Eyre (2011), Little Dorrit (2008) (TV), Saxondale (TV), Cold Feet (TV)
John Sessions: Alice In Wonderland 2, Mr Holmes, Legend (2015), Pudsey The Dog, Filth,The Iron Lady, Made In Dagenham, The Good Shepherd, The Adventures Of Pinocchio, In The Bleak Midwinter, Princess Caraboo, The Pope Must Die, Henry V (1989), The Bounty
Phyllis Logan: Downton Abbey (TV), Day of the Flowers, Shooting Fish, Secrets and Lies, Soft Top Hard Shoulder, Freddie as FR07, The Doctor and The Devils
Clarke Peters:The Bad Education Movie, John Wick, Treme (TV), True Detective (TV), Person of Interest (TV), Red Hook Summer, Legacy – Black Ops, Holby City (TV), Marley and Me, The Wire (TV), Mona Lisa, Outland
Geoffrey Hutchings: Grandma’s House (TV), Benidorm (TV), Mike Bassett – England Manager, Maigret (TV), Brass (TV), Wish You Were Here, Clockwise
Matt Rippy: Boogeyman 3
Ricky Tomlinson: Mike Bassett – England Manager 2, Flutter, Northern Soul, The Royle Family (TV), Mike Bassett – Manager (TV), Once Upon a Time In The Midlands, Playing The Field (TV), Formula 51, Mike Bassett – England Manager, Nasty Neighbours, Mojo, Preaching To The Perverted, Cracker (TV), Bob’s Weekend, Butterfly Kiss, Raining Stones, Riff Raff, Brookside (TV)
RISE OF THE ZOMBIE HOOLIGAN FILMS 