ESSEX BOYS – THE TRUTH

2.5 out of 10

Documentary

Release Date: 4th January 2016 (DVD Premiere)

Director: Christopher Matthews

Featuring: Bernard O’Mahoney, John Whomes

Narrator: Ricky Grover

Trailer: Essex Boys – The Troof

Iff u fort documentwees were for intelligernt people then you’d be facking wong mate. This is the pwoof.

So finally, we have the twoof. Well, we already seen this version of the twoof in Bonded By Blood about six years ago, but the author (BERNARD O’MAHONEY) of the book on which that film was based feels the need to come back to silence all the naughty film makers sullying the decent memories of Pat Tate, Tony Tucker and Crag Rolfe aka The Essex Boys.

With minor tweaks to the ‘myth’ Bernard O’ Mahoney rakes over old ground looking for dropped money.  Several old faces turn up to give their memories of the notorious trio but the film doesn’t even capitalise on the morbid pull of seeing stills from the crime scene. It’s badly constructed, played out to the level of making this already boring chapter in British crime even more dull.  Bernard O’ Mahoney is credited as ‘the presenter’ here, which is really odd, as presenters aren’t the same as filmmakers. The narration is moribund, with half-decent anecdotes read out with about the same amount of flair as a dead fart. OK, he’s a doorman, crime enforcer, not a filmmaker but it seems like he’s been provoked into making this movie by all the clowns making weak films about his old employees (whether he liked them or not).  My ears pricked up when he and John Whomes (brother to Jack – who’s one  of the killers of the Essex Boys) discredit Carlton Leach completely, accusing him of being a lying fanboy who had nothing to do with the dead trio.  Carlton Leach says the same about Bernard. So who’s got the most claim on the ‘myth?’ Well Bernard comes on as the ref and says that this documentary was made to clear up the mystery once and for all. To put an end to the legion of sh*t films like Essex Boys – Law of Survival or Essex Boys Retribution. Yet still the films roll on – unbelievably there’s a sequel to Bonded By Blood coming out in March from old hand, Jonathan Sothcott who brought us Fall of the Essex Boys. I think this documentary will only inspire some more ‘have a go Herbert’s’ to do another version based on this documentary.

This documentary is about the same grade as a fan-made effort for YouTube, so amateurish is the shooting of the film, the editing, the fact that everything made its way into this cut (unnecessary levels of detail). What were Craig Rolfe’s flavour crisps?  For the record, Prawn Cocktail.

This film won’t stop the onslaught of cashmakers coming out, including Carlton Leach’s very own story Rise of The Footsoldier 2 – that was released on DVD a full 7 days before this one. It’s just another tired run around, that only happens to be better than all of the films based on this subject because they are all so f*ckng awful.

2.5 out of 10 – For those still desperate for the truth behind the lies regarding that rainy, snowy, windy night in Workhouse Lane on December in 1995, it may hold elements of curiosity. For the rest of us, it’s a nice break from bad actors in bad wigs acting hard. Not long now before we get and Essex Boys Panto with Terry Stone as the dame and Carlton & Bernard as the hobby horse! hahaha.

WHAT HAVE I SEEN THAT PERSON IN BEFORE?

• Ricky Grover: Superbob, Eastenders (TV), Big Fat Gypsy Gangster, Huge, Tony, Dead Cert, Love Honour & Obey